Freedom Unlimited

More on the Serenity Prayer

2012-02-12T22:48:00.001+05:30

Continuing where I left off with my thoughts on the Serenity Prayer.

The Sinful World

I learned this fairly recently (last year), though I'd wish I'd learned it sooner. If I'd known exactly what 'the fall' implied, it would've spared me a lot of time overanalyzing, particularly relationships. The consequences of the fall are life in a fallen world which hasn't been completely redeemed but is in the process of redemption. That radically allows me to see the world as God sees it - sinful but capable of redemption through God's sovereign power. So many times we wish the world would take our advice, run our way, be flexible, be less dark, dangerous, and scary. And that's as good a time as any to pray - 'May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.'

Trust

God makes all things right when we surrender to His will. I have often struggled with this and still do. Loving the unloving, forgiving the unforgivable/unforgiving aren't easy to do and yet so often these are what God expects from us. Laying down our rights and trusting Him in all things. I hope to do this better than I have.

Happiness

This prayer distinguishes earthly happiness from heavenly happiness calling one reasonable and the other supreme. Oftentimes, our fallenness leads us to believe we have some sort of an edge over our lives. That we can control our lives and make ourselves happy. And we watch how miserable people become in the process of chasing happiness. We taste glimpses of real happiness occasionally but these are just heavenly foretastes. Real happiness is found in God's presence. God's presence is abundantly available in heaven. God's absence is more of a current reality that we must find the faith to grapple well with.

Freedom from Stuff & Noise

2012-02-12T15:43:00.003+05:30

Here's a sermon that can help you focus on what's most important.

Here's a blogpost that can help you deal with the noise on the internet.

Room

2012-02-09T08:38:00.002+05:30

In my limited life of foolishness,
there is room enough
for the limitless mercy of God.

Serenity Prayer

2012-01-28T20:47:00.001+05:30

noun, plural -ties for 2.

the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil;sereneness.

(usually initial capital letter) a title of honor, respect, or reverence, used in speaking of or to certain members of royalty (usually preceded by his, your, etc.).

Origin:
1400–50; late Middle English serenite < Latin serēnitās

Apart from the definition of the word serenity, nothing interesting comes up when you google the word 'serenity.' There's an action movie (irony!) as well as a pretty disturbing band website but I did notice find something useful.

A villa in Kerala called 'serenity'. The cost for a single night in its double bedroom is around Rs. 15,000. I suppose it's worth the price you pay but it makes me wonder if in today's world, serenity comes at a cost with a pretty hefty price tag for some. And so people learn to make do without something that costs them something.

And usually when something costly is required, it's a great time to pray.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

I learned interesting things from wikipedia about the serenity prayer - about it being used by Alcoholics Anonymous as well as other 'twelve-step programs'. A more secularized version of the prayer is what is usually circulated acknowledging the 'universal' God instead of Jesus. It's funny, now that I've read the second half of this prayer for the first time, I feel a lot more hope.

Off the top of my head, the things that cannot be changed (by me) include:

1. God

2. People

3. Weather

4. Laws of the universe

The list of things that should be changed is endless, of course. Beginning with me and ending with the world - so much can and ought to be changed for the better.

I guess wisdom is required since at different points, we try to change things that we cannot instead of changing things that we can. Personally, I wonder if instead of consulting ourselves, if we start as this prayer does, with God, can we actually identify what we ought to change and stay away from what we cannot by consulting God? After all, I believe He's running the world so if I just stopped to ask, I might discover what needs acceptance and what really needs change.

Unlimited Optimism

There are days when I want to change my church, change my company, change blind traditions or my friends. And so I embark on a mission of reading up or showing up, hoping someone would realize the need for something to change. And very little really does change with that approach. But things also change with that approach too. Things that I hadn't planned or expected to matter, changed. So usually I'm facing the other end of change and it's taking place sneakily behind my back.

"Limited" Resources

Now we all like to think we're applying ourselves well when we try to change things. I know I do! (Occasionally we feel a sense of pride or a rush of goodwill directed at ourselves!) Time, money, talents, when applied rightly produce incredible results. All of them, when managed appropriately, generate more of themselves so we focus on that and get sidetracked into management instead of focusing on what was supposed to happen with the right combination applied to the right situation. I guess it's hard to avoid the temptation to get sidetracked because logic tells us - we can generate more results with more time, money and talents. So it's a trap because there's never enough of those and we're always "running out" of time/money/talent.

Reality Check

So we tell ourselves - the time is now. Use the money and talent you've been given and make those changes happen. And then we come up with resolutions. And we fail to keep them.

Change is constant

We all know that things around us keep changing and it's work trying to keep up. Just when you make up your mind to avoid wasting time, you're given a time-wasting device/friend/problem. And then we slip into our old familiar patterns and give up on ourselves and the possibility of any change. We accept what we needn't instead of fighting it. Fighting is difficult. Fighting laziness, impatience, injustice is hard work. I've realized over the past year, you've to fight ugliness to create beauty, fight temptation to stay true to your beliefs, and keep fighting with yourself when you want to give up or give in.

Fight or Flight

That's the real test. So you decide to fight. Let's take on poverty today! And really all you can do in a day is find out how much work needs to be done and then decide you can't do it alone so you might as well give up now before you 'waste' more time/talent/money.

Living a day at a time

What would a day spent doing nothing look like? A waste based on the amount of change that you want to make. It takes deep humility to say - I cannot do this in a day. Just as it does when you realize - I cannot do this on my own. We know Rome wasn't built in a day but living a day at a time is hard because it seems like such a 'small' fraction in the world's timeline. And yet it is enough. It is enough because it is a given. You don't earn it - it's there. Moving on to money and talent - things you have to earn/work for. Jobs allow us the opportunity to use our talents/gifts/abilities to make money (though a lot of people don't feel that talent is required to do what they're doing - they're wrong. It needs doing and they're doing it and no one else might if they don't). So a day affords us the opportunity to use time for using our talent and making money.

Enjoying one moment at a time

If we could do twice as much of something than we normally do, it might make us twice as happy or exhausted with our attempt? Exhausted usually. Our attempts to pack more than is needed backfires on itself. If we can take what each moment has to offer instead of forcing each moment to offer more than it can, we might feel lighter and can take ourselves off the responsibility to produce more and enjoy what the moment affords us.

This goes against the grain of thought that tells us that if we were more productive each day, we'd feel better about ourselves. If we could get efficient about our work and then improve our productivity, it might ring truer since you're avoiding the needless which automatically allows you to get more out of a moment. Becoming efficient is also slow work at times but is worth the effort since it later allows you to get more out of a moment.

Accepting hardship

If only it were as easy to be done as said. There are days when we are unable to use our talent or make money. Days when we don't do anything of significance such as love or live well. Days when in spite of money or talent, we face discouraging circumstances or hardships or even our own greatest fears loom large before us. The days when we change nothing and are expected to take things as they are. Those days are difficult to cope with. They are the days when we need divine help and friends and supporters to line up for us and give us the courage to accept what's happening to us.

And there is a sense of peace that goes with acceptance. You stop striving and can let yourself off the hook again. The world is not going any easier on you but you're not exhausting yourself over that.

More random thoughts flowing out of the prayer later!

Image- courtesy: http://www.etsy.com/listing/62142868/sale-the-serenity-prayer-large-vinyl

Definition- courtesy: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/serenity

My Notes: mudhouse sabbath

2011-12-07T19:46:00.001+05:30

Here's a guide I found which might be useful for group study of this book. These notes are my personal thoughts after reading the various chapters of the book mudhouse sabbath by Lauren Winner.

mudhouse sabbath is different from most books I've read on Christian living. It's a book that spiritually opens up the possibility of living more deliberately. In my reading of spiritual books, I find that some books emphasize theology and some go to the jugular to emphasize action. I mean emphasize and not highlight/dictate. So theology and action go together in uneven proportions in most Christian books. I find that mudhouse sabbath strikes a balance in that aspect. It links theology to action emphasizing and clarifying judaic faith practices, for a Christian lacking an understanding of judaism.

There are 11 practices that the book talks about. These are sabbath (shabbath), fitting food (kashrut), mourning (avelut), hospitality (hachnassat orchim), prayer (tefillah), body (guf), fasting (tzum), aging (hiffur p' nai zaken), candle-lighting (hadlakat nerot), weddings (kiddushin), doorposts (mezuzot).

Of these - I feel the practice of keeping the Sabbath - a no-brainer. It's in the 10 commandments after all. I've never heard a sermon on it though. It all started to come together as my life started to unravel. You can read about it here. Also, here's an interesting post that makes you think deeply on how God-dependent you really are. So yes, I've started following the Sabbath and combining it with the hospitality practice so I invite my Christian friends over on Sunday and we spend time discussing/praying/arguing/resting together.

The rest of them I had no clue about and wanted to learn more and see whether they could lead to something richer.

Kashrut: Jewish dietary laws
Following this helps you realize that you are not the protagonist at any meal and that God really is. It is based on Deut. 14:21.

The underlying principle, Winner claims, is 'God cares about our dietary choices.' This drives home a point in my head that had begun to sink in. If you know me, you do know that I've been tiny and underweight for all of my life (you were tiny as a kid too so let's not count some of the years). While I'm not what I eat. I have become what I have not eaten :) Putting on small amounts of weight that take people I know weeks takes me years. For a long time, I didn't really bother about my weight at all because quite honestly it didn't matter what people said. I felt fine and did whatever it is I wanted to do. It didn't really affect my life at all. Now it does and I've started realizing I need to eat a lot more. A LOT more. And it's hard and takes discipline because I forget to eat sometimes and am pretty insensitive to body cues. I'm also lazy. I'm now paying attention to what I eat a lot more than I normally do. And it's less to do with what I look like (personally I still like the way I am) and more to do with what God would want me to eat and when.

Taking a quick snack break now :)

Back from my break now! I had a snack that lead me to have dinner as soon as it was done. Woohoo:)

On to mourning (avelut). "Jewish bereavement marks the days, and then the months, and then all the years after a death." I think I've mentally marked off dates of the deaths of important people in my head. And I might always do it but I want them to count and I think there's a lot of room to learn from the judaic practice of avelut. I lost a friend that I've known for over 11 years on Nov 5th this year. I'm not over it yet. Like Lauren, I too want to 'remember my dead' and feel comfort that is God-ordained.

Hospitality (hacnassat orchim)
I've only recently learned how to be hospitable. I'll be honest, I used to hate it. I hated how my life turned upside down every time we were expecting guests for dinner or lunch. Such occasions take a day out of your short life to prepare food, set it up well and clean up before and after. There are some times when I've deliberately yet shamelessly stayed away from home to avoid some of these. I'm coming to terms with my selfishness - a little each passing day, week, and year. I have started issuing regular invitations to people to come to my house (especially friends who live away from home). I want to make it a place where my close friends can feel at home, a safe place where we can discuss what bothers us, a prayer place where we talk to God, and a fun place where we laugh together. My friends are eating my hopeless cooking hoping it will improve as time passes since this is new to me. What more can a hostess ask for?

Prayer (tefillah) is still a mystery to me for most part. Winner says, "Jewish prayer is essentially book prayer, liturgical prayer. Jews say the same set of prayers, at the same fixed hours, over and over, every day."

I used to attend an Anglican church and then, during college, a Methodist one. I now attend a 'non-denominational' (which is a denomination belonging to no one I guess!) church. So I have experienced all 180 degrees of liturgical and spontaneous prayers. I prefer liturgical praying and am trying to (unsuccessfully) incorporate it into my quiet time. I find new layers of meaning in the same words. I've often played a phrase over and over in my head which has led me to contemplate a God who deserves to hear words such as 'We do not presume to come to this thy table, O merciful Lord...'

Also, years of repeating the Nicene and Apostles' creed has helped. I can actually remember them without any difficulty - it helped that we sang them, of course. I find it harder to just say the words but I can sing the Magnificat or Nunc Dimmitis easily too. Winner is right when she says liturgical prayers may be boring (not when set to good music in my opinion) but they are not self-focused. They do not lead to narcism the way spontaneous prayers can. Something that I can only hope might end up being true for me as noted in the book of a person with Alzheimers -

"When he has forgotten everything else, those words are the words he will have. Those words have formed his heart, and --regardless of what he feels or remembers on any particular morning --they continue to form his heart still."

The chapter on the body (guf) is about circumcision (bris), sex, exercise, suffering and more. You can read it here. I'm not sure I was brought up thinking the body was 'bad' so much of this chapter didn't really resonate that deeply. For most part, I'm trying my best to look after my body (the little of it that there is to look after), by eating, sleeping, and exercising (long/short walks count).

That said, Winner reminds us, "Scripture speaks of bodies that God created in His image, bodies that are both doing redemptive work and being redeemed."

Though Christians don't practice circumcision anymore, it would do us good to know that circumcision or bris "suggests that we do religion with our souls and hearts and minds, but we also do religion with our bodies."

I like Winner's approach in talking about aspects of the body as regarded in Judaism in terms of sensory pleasure through eating or sex but also when talking about a body ravaged by cancer.

Personally, I guess I have a bit of a Gnostic mindset ("Even the most faithful Christians can sometimes catch themselves in a Gnostic mindset of wanting to deny, rather than rightly order, bodily desires for sex, food, even sleep", says Winner and I'm pretty sure she's right.) I know I usually 'forget' to eat when I'm caught up in a routine different from the usual. I eat if it's convenient or if I 'feel like it.' I'm learning to slowly change this and commit this aspect of my life to God as well.

Fasting (tzum) was really interesting to read. In this chapter, Winner reminds us that in Judaism, fasting is a given. The Jewish calendar designates and sets aside days for fasting (not under seven).

What I have always believed in one way or another (even when it comes to idolatry which is in one way a hunger to worship) is what Rabbi M. tells Winner. " When you are fasting," he said, "and you feel hungry, you are to remember that you are really hungry for God."

I have rarely fasted honestly. I have done the occasional 'fast' of giving up certain kinds of entertainment/activities but only once did I fast to position myself before God in utter dependence. That was when I decided to spend Fridays at home, without dinner, and with some real quality time on a specific subject that I felt I needed to spend time learning.

The weird part is - giving up food is easy for me. I hardly eat much through the course of the normal day. But on one of the days that I had intentionally fasted, I could feel hunger like I'd never felt it before and I knew I ought not to satisfy it and feel it deeply and remind myself that I wanted to want God like that. I couldn't do it. I had to eat. I also laughed a bit. Usually I can ignore the hunger but this time I had to give in. Sort of like a reverse fast I was having. It was though I was finally acknowledging hunger for what it truly is, a biological need, not to be denied regularly but occasionally. And so I'm on a reverse fast daily. I'm trying to acknowledge my hunger and tend to it. I'm also open to my hunger for God and ensuring that I tend to it too.

The chapter on aging (hiddur p'nai zaken)

I think of my grandmother as a person who knew how to age well and was prepared for her death. She didn't really colour her hair and I don't think I ever really remember her without her white hair. We played endless games of Scrabble and as time passed, we had a sort of reversal. When I was younger and she was teaching me to play, she would win most of the games, teaching me lots of new words. We had fun though, learning to make sentences out of the nonsense on the Scrabble board. I rarely felt like a loser at the end of the game and that is really how you know that you've enjoyed yourself playing. Gradually, she was losing more games to me. She slowed down her game. She needed more time to think. She used to make me chocolate pudding and we'd then sit down to play but after a while, we just started with the game. And in our ritual game-playing, I began to realize that I was slowly losing my grandmother to age.
In subsequent years, cancer slowly killed her but she was gracious always. As in life, so in death. I'm glad that I have an example of how to age and die well.

Candle-lighting (hadlakat nerot)

I found an interesting parallel when Winner talks of ushering in the Sabbath by lighting candles. "After you light the candles, you close your eyes and beckon the light toward you three times with your hands, almost like you are drawing water from a basin to your face." This is remarkably similar to a Hindu practice of lighting a small lamp and I have watched it being done in person several times.

I must admit, I miss the candles that lit the altar at St. George's. I don't distinctly remember them being lit regularly at the Methodist church I attended and definitely don't see it at the church I attend now.

Like Winner's experience of Christian homes, my home too lacked candles for purposes other than when the electricity takes a vacation (which was often growing up). Recently, I decided to get candles for Christmas as decoration. I've also gotten some scented candles for my room, matching the theme of my room (purple - in parts - not entirely!). Right now, as I right, a rasberry scented candle is burning itself in a jar. The aroma is relaxing. And like Winner experiences, when I look at candlelight, I hope I remember the Light of the world, by whom I see everything.

Weddings (kiddushin)

I've never been to a Jewish wedding so I cannot agree or disagree with Winner that they are 'more fun.' That said, I like the idea of having a balance between community and privacy. While the Christian wedding is theologically different from the Jewish one, some of the practices (sheva brachot) make practical sense.

Doorposts (mezuzot)

Winner introduces the mezuzah, which I'd never heard of till I read this book. I like the idea of announcing my faith at the doorpost of my home. I like that it can serve to reinforce outsiders who lives in this particular apartment. However, often I wonder if that can serve to end up doing the opposite and leaving people with the idea that my God must be as imperfect as me. But I think Winner still has a point,

"the sign tells you that I am a person who is trying to be a Christian, and in telling that to you, I am inviting you to hold me to it."

Advent Anticipation

2011-12-02T18:45:00.001+05:30

I read these questions recently here.

Here are just a few of the questions of Jesus: What are you looking for? What do you want me to do for you? Have I been with you for so long a time and you still do not know me? If you love only those who love you, what credit is that to you? Do you want to be well? Do you see this woman? What good is it to gain the whole world but forfeit your soul? Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Who is greater, the one seated at the table, or the one who serves? Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? Which of you would hand his son a stone when he asks for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asks for a fish? How can you believe, when you accept praise from one another and do not seek the praise that comes from the only God? Did I not tell you that if you believe you will see the glory of God? Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' but do not do what I command? Why do you break the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For which of these good works are you trying to stone me? Do you think that I cannot call upon my Father and he will not provide me at this moment with more than twelve legions of angels? Would you like some breakfast? Have you come to believe because you have seen me? I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this? Do you love me?

As Christmas draws near and the year draws to a close, I'm wondering what Christmas is going to be like this year. I wonder whether after a couple of desert journeys this year, the death of a close friend, the prevailing uncertainty of the future, what Christmas is going to be like. I want to spend Advent reflecting on the questions Jesus has posed in various contexts and in the stillness await His coming.

Checkmate

2011-11-13T20:19:00.004+05:30

Checkmate (frequently shortened to mate) is a situation in chess (and in other boardgames of the chaturanga family) in which one player's king is threatened with capture (in check) and there is no way to meet that threat. Or, simply put, the king is under direct attack and cannot avoid being captured. Delivering checkmate is the ultimate goal in chess: a player who is checkmated loses the game. In normal chess the king is never actually captured – the game ends as soon as the king is checkmated because checkmate leaves the defensive player with no legal moves. In practice, most players resign an inevitably lost game before being checkmated. It is considered bad etiquette to continue playing in a completely hopeless position.

I've often felt the urge to run away from God. When I'm angry, confused, or disappointed, the instinct of flight takes over. The initial lines of the 'Hound of Heaven' play in my head sometimes.

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears

Recently, I have been tempted to run again. The reality of a living God can be overwhelming at times. And often, I'd rather not deal with reality. Looking back, I feel like I've been playing a game of chess with God (naturally hoping to win). Maybe if I played right, I could win God over. And then He can do my bidding and look after me the way I'd want Him to.

Over the years, God and I have been through several conflicts of interest. Some involved me not talking to him for a while. Or not being part of a church. Overall, if I haven't had my way, I have put up a fight and if I felt I was fighting a losing battle, I have run in the hope of never being disturbed by Him ever again. And then the chase usually begins. I get found and brought home like a child attempting to run away from home.

But for a while now, the game of chess hasn't been going to well. I seem to have run out of moves. There's no going back or forward from where I'm at.

All which I took from thee, I did’st but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might’st seek it in my arms.
All which thy childs mistake fancies as lost,
I have stored for thee at Home.
Rise, clasp my hand, and come.
Halts by me that Footfall.
Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?
Ah, Fondest, Blindest, Weakest,
I am He whom thou seekest.
Thou dravest Love from thee who dravest Me.

excerpt from 'The Hound of Heaven' by Francis Thompson

Psalm 107 is a Psalm that I have been reading over and over again for the past few days. It talks of people crying out to God from the pit of their hopeless situations and God rescuing them each time from their worst nightmares.

Reading this Psalm makes me want to breathe again. It makes me feel like I can get over the claustrophobia of my world and lightens the noose that's begun to sting for a while.

Checkmate. It's time to be captured by Love again.

Priorities

2011-09-29T22:50:00.003+05:30

For the past year, I've learned how to prioritize. Not in the quick, slick, one-easy-to-read-management-book-away sort of prioritization but in a manner that has required deep commitment, slight ruthlessness with my motives, and some discomfort. However, it's helped me survive a slow burnout. I've now worked over 6 years at the same place!

On a related note, I'm abandoning the Love Wins project (I was going to read each chapter and write about it). I couldn't wait to write each time so I finished the quick read and I was pretty disappointed overall. I didn't really feel like blogging much after that. And it won't do anyone any good even if I did :) However, if you felt the same way, then dig back into some other fresh contemporary voices that are less imaginative and more compelling (This Beautiful Mess (Rick McKinley is one recommendation since he talks of heaven as well but not so you've to stretch your imagination and entire understanding to come up with a God who loves sinners as an end in itself (ahem - that's sort of the image I got from Love Wins. A sort of dispassionate love that wants what it wants in spite of what humans want). )

Back now to what I've learned about priorities.

1. Performance anxiety kills the ability to think straight about priorities

At times, I have been guilty of stretching my imagination to come up with why God might want me to do something that looks good on the surface. Come up with 'good' reasons why I ought to do what I ought to do in spite of it nearly killing me.

I think most Christians go through this at some point of their lives, but they suddenly seem unable to carry on doing what they normally can do with easy confidence. Not because they suddenly become less capable of doing those things in themselves but because of the various circumstances which push them to revisit these commitments. And sometimes, God may want us to drop things which we intentionally refuse to drop because it would mean having to admit that we are less strong than we think we are. So we fight, fret and push ourselves to achieve what God never asked of us. Somewhere deep down is another fear that if we stop, we'd be less Christian and less loved by God. Or worse - that we would make God angry.

There are three deep issues of the soul to be addressed here - when do we stop needing God's grace to survive on our own performance? Why do we think we can/need to earn God's love - after He's given us Jesus? Would we make God angry by anything other than sin?

It's been difficult struggling with these questions, honestly. I watch some other friends struggle as well but hope that they too will wrestle well and trust God's love for them.

2. Time spent at church doesn't have to trump time spent at work/home/doing whatever else needs to be done. Kingdom priorities are different from personal kingdom priorities.

There's intense pressure (especially with a calendar driven church like mine!) to spend insane amounts of time with some or the activity at church. I like to think of it as while everything might be permissible - not everything is really profitable - even at church. I can't cut down on responsibilities at home/work in order to be showing up 'for God' at church. That makes no sense and I'm pretty sure it doesn't count as 'suffering for the King and Kingdom'.

A lot of preachers talk about irresponsible living in a sort of grandiose sacrificial way. "I've left my family to be here with you this Sunday and travel a lot.....". While there is no doubt that sometimes God calls us to a sacrificial life - it's very easy to use that as an excuse for falling short on family/work commitments. It's a subtle trap to avoid what you ought to stay committed to and operate in areas where you might never have been called.

And so I let go of some things that I love to do because they make me feel safe and good - Sunday school was hard but had to go. I had to make more room for young people, counseling and my close friends and family. I had to make more time for work!

3. Having to create priorities means having to admit you're human and you need more of God each moment of the day

I've never had to worry too much about priorities before. I managed school/college work well with church/friends/family. Even after starting to work, I was able to do pretty much all that I set my heart to without worrying much about anything really. I traveled on a whim and worked from anywhere in the world. I didn't get tired much or feel any physical discomfort. I did have a chronic sense of how I was spending my time which I suppose helped me re-evaluate activities without actually realizing I was doing it.

Suddenly, everything went haywire. For the first time, I was completely lost. I didn't expect it to happen but I found myself falling ill more frequently, unable to cope with work demands, depressed because I was confused, unwilling to let go of the demanding schedule, falling asleep whenever possible, etc. I figured this was what burnout must be. This is when I give up and abandon everything to find something new. I figured God was trying to teach me something and so while I really wrestled with the idea of using travel yet again as a means of escape, I felt encouraged to try it and reconnect more personally with God. And so I went to Malaysia and camped with my sister for a week.

I spent time hiking, by myself, and generally being still to find out what God really wanted. He didn't want to do anything new or fresh. He just wanted me to stay committed to what He had called me to and not what I decided that really meant for me. I'll admit it was one of the hardest things to do. Everything in me wanted to leave, run, start afresh, ditch the pain and give myself another shot. I didn't though. And I think I somewhat understand what Peter means when he said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

This was in response to Jesus' words - “You do not want to leave too, do you?”

As much as I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to leave more. So I stayed. I came back to a very messed up situation and let it redeem me from becoming someone who needed God less.

4. We do not 'do things' for God. We can only be used by Him.

This was one of the most helpful things a friend told me. While I was going through guilt trips over doing less, attending less, and resting more, a friend gently mentioned this to me not knowing how much the words would replay in my head over and over again when I was nearly losing the battle over the negative thoughts. Through much prayer and renewing of the mind, I was finally able to accept that God want to use me specifically in ways designed by Him (not as dictated by the church or even myself) and that He couldn't do that if I didn't rest, eat properly, or stopped working.

I got more intentional with the Sabbath over the past year. I have lazed around a lot (something difficult to do with my penchant for being more of the Martha type) and am willing to go public with the declaration :) While most people consider me an extrovert, I'm also deeply introverted and need a lot of 'alone time' and I've taken the space to get that. I also need to write so I've tried my best to do more.

I've probably for the first time in several years, attended church services (not Sunday School/choir/worship team). Actual services. And then I've had time to actually have some conversations with people that I've not met before. And some pretty amazing things have transpired by this sort of slowing down.

5. Being influential is possible even for the less than extraordinary

I still wouldn't call myself an influential person. I think of world changers as influencers. Not everyday, ordinary people. But God is different. He seems to call the foolish things of the world and uses jars of clay to hide treasure. But in ways that I've least expected, God has showed up and taken small, insignificant details of my life to tell me a better story about Himself. That He is at work in dark places in the world, that He can still use me in spite of my pride, and that I may be ignorant of how He really works. He's taken a commitment-phobe like me and has kept me committed to one thing (job) for the last 6 years. And the things that have actually led to transformation within me and others around me - have hardly anything to do with my abilities, my spirituality, or much of me really. It's always been God. God using the mess in me in eternity to patiently teach me what real love and commitment looks like.

Love Wins - Spoilers Ahead - #2

2011-05-20T20:50:00.004+05:30

Ok I have no great personal reflections around heaven and I think I even figured out why after reading this chapter titled 'Here is the new there'. The entire chapter builds the case for heaven being a part of earth. Here's how it ends

There's a heaven now, somewhere else.
There's a heaven here, sometime else.
And there's Jesus' invitation to heaven
here
and
now,
in this moment,
in this place.

So instead of looking at the chapter in piecemeal. I'm going to attempt to highlight the arguments being made in support of the above statement. I think that sort of helps me organize the several points raised by RB.

Current understanding of heaven being confronted in this chapter:

1. Pictures that we have in our minds based on paintings, reading Scripture which lead us to believe that it is somehow

a different place

[Think harps and clouds and streets of gold, everybody dressed in white robes]

2. The journey that it we are traveling from here to somewhere else

3. This belief of heaven being somewhere else is what causes us to speculate the following questions - 'what will we do all day?' 'will we recognize people we used to know?' 'what will it be like?' 'will there be dogs there?'

4. Adding to these beliefs are pastors who also tell their congregations in not-so-concrete terms that heaven is beyond their imagination or comprehension. He doesn't say this generally of pastors - he actually quotes one. [Personally, I think he just means people who are voicing their opinions on the subject of heaven and not pastors specifically.]

5. How to know who will be there and who won't?

Here's an alternate understanding of heaven:

1. Pictures constructed based on Scripture and the painting Jesus painted about heaven

Based on the rich man's encounter with Jesus in Matthew 19. When the rich man asks Jesus about getting 'eternal life' it's not the same as him asking about getting to heaven according to RB. Heaven is connected with what Jesus called 'this age' and 'the age to come.'

Matt 13 - Jesus speaks of a harvest at the 'end of the age' and in Luke 20 he teaches about 'the people of this age' and some who are 'considered worthy of taking part in the age to come'.

More references from Scripture are given firmly building the case around what is being referenced as heaven. From the OT as well apart from Jesus' references.

Some things that need to be understood to get the context right:
- 'aion' is the NT greek word for age - has multiple meanings but refers to a 'period of time'. The meaning here has less to do with precision in terms of quantity of time (forever) and more in terms of 'a period or an era' with a definite beginning and end.

- seeing the present and future as two ages

2. The journey is not from earth to heaven but of 'life in the age to come' which is heaven on earth in the literal sense. So it's essentially a journey from this age to the next - on the same planet!

3. Heaven includes everyone so a racist may not make it because living like that would make him miserable! It will be earthy with wine, crops, grain and buildings. This is the world we live in but made new. Man would partner with God to tend creation like Adam and Eve were supposed to before the fall. This partnership starts immediately to ensure the future plan works out the way God intended.

4.

Central to their vision of human flourishing in God's renewed world, then, was the prophet's announcement that a number of things that an survive in this world will not be able to survive in the world to come.
Like war.
Rape.
Greed.
Injustice.
Violence.
Pride.
Division.
Exploitation.
Disgrace.

5. For the earth to be free of all the things destructive, judgement will have to be made about what stays and what goes. Essentially, this is the 'day of the LORD.'

The day when God says 'ENOUGH!' to anything that threatens the peace (shalom is the Hebrew word), harmony, and health that God intends for the world.

6. For these purposes, it's important to understand in what specific God is mentioned as capable of 'judgement' and 'anger.' It is judgement against evil and anger against evildoers ultimately. Of course, there's mercy for those who want it.

7. In the first-century Jewish world, they often understood the future life to be in the here and now. The rich man's question isn't an unusual one but a fairly ordinary question to be asked of a Rabbi. So how can you make sure you'll be able to contribute in the new world God is creating? By following the commandments. The way God teaches us to live our lives.

8. Jesus asks the man about 5 laws which involve relationship with others - leaving one out - about covetousness. The remaining commandments are to do with your relationship with God. The man claims to keep the ones that Jesus asks him about. Then Jesus asks him to sell his possessions and tive the money to the poor (specifically in this case since that is what is holding him back from this eternal life). Greed after all has no place in the world to come.

-------------------------------------

Salvation

RB brings up salvation in the middle briefly before he attempts to answer any questions about heaven. He refers to Matthew 19 which talks about the rich man asking Jesus about what he needs to do get eternal life?

Current methods of preaching about salvation involve:

1. Either individuals or organizations talking to people and asking them about death and facing God.
2. Explaining to such people how salvation works by telling them that eternal life isn't something he has to earn or work for; it's a free gift of grace
3. Invite such people to confess, repent, trust, accept, and believe that Jesus has made a way for him to have a relationship with God.

So Jesus doesn't follow any of the above current practices to answer the rich man. In essence, He throws away the perfect opportunity to set things straight and right - the way we would.

He asks the man: "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments."

"Enter life?"

Jesus refers to the man's intentions as "entering life"? And then tells him that you do that by keeping the commandments? This wasn't what Jesus was supposed to say."

Later on RB goes on to say

Shouldn't Jesus have given a clear answer to the man's obvious desire to know how to go to heaven when he dies? Is that why he walks away -- because Jesus blew a perfectly good "evangelistic" opportunity? How does such a simple question - one Jesus could have answered so clearly from a Christian perspective - turn into such a convoluted dialogue involving commandments and treasures and wealth and ending with the man walking away?

Something to think about!

More on chapter 2 - coming up shortly!

Love Wins - Spoilers Ahead - #1

2011-05-19T18:42:00.008+05:30

I just got my copy of Rob Bell's 'Love Wins' today. I've been discussing the controversial video with a few friends for the past few months. The build up has led to this sudden decision of writing about it.

If you've not read the book, go read the book before you make up your mind about it based on what I've written. These are all my personal impressions and if you are easily biased - get a hold of the book and make up your own mind about it. Then come back and talk to me :)

If you've read the book, then you may want to read on and even write/ping/text back to talk more.

Now I plan to do this slowly. I've not read the whole book yet. I want to focus on each chapter and focus on parts that I agree/disagree with. I just finished the preface and the first chapter and I'll talk about them in this post. All subsequent chapters and thoughts will be covered in future posts.

Thoughts on the preface - 'Millions of us'

The preface attempts at clarity. Rob Bell seems to say - first and foremost- this is what I want you to know about this book. He believes that Jesus' story is first and foremost about the love of God for every single one of us.

So far - I agree. I think God loves everyone too.

Rob Bell seems to feel like this story of 'God so loved the world' has been told in ways that Jesus would never have told it. He feels it's time the story is reclaimed. He's written the book for the millions of people who don't want to be a part of this story.

A staggering number of people have been taught that a select few Christians will spend forever in a peaceful, joyous place called heaven, while the rest of humanity spends forever in torment and punishment in hell with no chance for anything better. It's been clearly communicated to many that this belief is a central truth of the Christian faith and to reject it is, in essence, to reject Jesus.

Now I wouldn't count myself in this particular number. I wasn't taught this. However, I was given to believe that Heaven was reserved for people who loved God and Hell for people who don't. How's that different teaching? Well the difference is - you are not rejecting Jesus based on your understanding of Heaven/Hell. You accept Jesus' work and you also understand that there is a heaven and a hell for some very obvious, non-disturbing reasons. That's been my experience.

He also says he's written this book because He doesn't believe that big questions should be asked with the kind of faith Jesus would want us to have. The kind that would take you into uncovering things behind the questions.

Again I agree with this and RB (that's what I'm going to refer to Rob Bell for the rest of the posts) provides the right Biblical background to why He believes this.

Now I understand for some people approaching God in this manner - full of doubts and questions - can seem a little disbelieving/disrespectful (for lack of a better word). But maybe, we often understand God based on how we approach situations or have watched others approach similar situations? Maybe you've asked a question in class only to be shushed. Or in a church with the same response. Maybe we've been conditioned to never ask questions or raise doubts because it calls into question some authority on the part of the person who has to answer. And maybe sometimes that is our motive - to call authority into question for no other reason than to stir up something. But for when it's not - for when we are just looking for an answer to our simple question precisely because the only person who can authoritatively answer it is more than willing. Would we stop short of asking?

If we approach God with honesty, I believe He would bend over backwards to save us from our sin. That's what confession means to me. I'm released to be intimate with God. And so, it follows, that when I approach God with questions and predicaments, He looks at me with love. Just as He does when I come filthy with sin. How are our questions going to beg disrespect when apparently our sinfulness doesn't?

And RB ends the preface saying that nothing new is on offer. He's opening up some understanding of the historic, orthodox Christian faith and allows us to participate with him.

#1 - What about the flat tire?

He begins with the story from the controversial video. The one about the art show and Gandhi. RB then launches into the series of questions about a loving God and punishment and all the disturbing questions about the beliefs. He also mentions a few experiences and raises questions based on them.

One way to respond to these questions is with the clear, helpful answer: all that matters is how you respond to Jesus. And that answer totally resonates with me; it is about how you respond to Jesus. But it raises another important question: Which Jesus?

RB then talks about how Christians have acted in non-Christlike ways holding fast to their claims of being Christians despite being rapists and murderers. After their 'conversions' - not before obviously!

Do you know any individuals who grew up in a Christian church and then walked away when they got older? Often pastors and parents and brothers and sisters are concerned about them and their spirituality -- and often they should be. But sometimes those individuals' rejection of church and the Christian faith they were presented with as the only possible interpretation of what it means to follow Jesus may in fact be a sign of spiritual health. Perhaps they simply came to a point where they refused to accept the very sorts of things that Jesus would refuse to accept. Some Jesuses should be rejected.

Now this part rings true for me. I know an individual who grew up in a Christian church and then walked away when they got older. I did. I grew up in an Anglican church that helped me fall in love with Jesus but seemed to care a lot about fighting off a bishop trying to usurp the church property. Well to the point that they developed factions and started fighting out loud at the drop of a hat. I still remember the day I decided to ditch this church (it was more like home so it wasn't easy) because it was on a Good Friday. We held a 3 hour long service from 12pm-3pm and this is my favourite service. This is also usually the hottest time of the year so people do get a bit difficult to deal with after this service. Unless they have been fed and served some cool lime juice. However, after one such service, a huge argument broke out and there was name calling and fighting. No one even ate or drank juice. That was part of the problem along with the heat. Now I know all these people but it seemed strange to me that they hadn't been moved like I had after that service. After singing 'O sacred head' and 'when I survey the wondrous cross', how can you walk out and unleash potent words filled with anger? And my church had never seemed more divorced from God at that moment, and like a particularly annoyed child, I just left because there was no peace at home anymore.

And I resisted church altogether. This part was pure sentimentality because I was deeply grieved about my church overall. So while I should've just attended some other church, I just sat at home resisting with anger anything to do with church - which did not improve my relationships at home, I might add. But God rescued me and I went back to church - interestingly in the post I found someone who like me had walked out. I prayed for him after reading his comments on my blog. What else could I do? It saddens me to think that behind the anonymity lies such a wounded faith. But there's always hope for anyone willing to deal with the questions and the pain.

So yes, I agree with RB. False Jesuses should be rejected. That said, it wouldn't make sense to leave every church you find yourself in either. You are bound to come against people who are un-Christlike. But who said those in the church need less grace than those on the outside? How are you going to be a light or the salt if you walk away from a bad situation? I've learned that there are times when God leads you away from a particular church and leads you into a particular church. If you know you've been led, then you are meant to stick around and do whatever God needs done in that church. Looking back, I needed to stop holding on to the church building with all my childish sentimentality and start looking at God more and so I was led away from that sentimentality into a desert place. The church I'm in now is no different when it comes to people but I've learned that I've been led here by God to be challenged by Him and get to really see Him. So all i'm saying is that it's not always cool to walk away from a church because 'people are difficult.' God loves them as much as He loves you. His love may need you to move or stay. Let Him decide.

Often times when I meet atheists and we talk about the god they don't believe in, we quickly discover that I don't believe in that god either.

That's one of my favourite quotes so far. Again, something I agree with. I've met some atheists who seem to reject false ideas of god but seem unable to get a hold of the true ideas at that point in time.

If our salvation is dependent on someone giving us the good news - a missionary say- what happens to us when the missionary gets a flat tire? And so RB launches another series of questions around how we are saved. He looks at many verses in the Scriptures to arrive at an answer but doesn't. And so he ends the first chapter talking about looking for answers.

First, heaven.

And that's all I know about the book :)

See

2011-05-16T21:08:00.003+05:30

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland" (Isa. 43:19)

For the first time, Easter was very different. I had been waiting and it was SO worth it. The morning service amidst the rocks was really awesome. My mum and I felt so alive, we went ahead and attended another service as well! I was SO happy and really enjoyed celebrating over dinner with friends. After weeks of confusion, questions, doubts, silence and time out, I felt like I'd arrived.

I haven't quite had the time to just sit and get down to doing regular stuff because so much has happened. I don't mean the Royal Wedding and Osama's apparent capture. I went and got my eyes tested and my power has increased - a lot. Usually it went up only just a little so the change wasn't too drastic. This time- it was huge! I cannot believe I'd been walking around looking at things through my glasses only half-seeing in reality. When I wore my new glasses - the world seemed so much brighter and everything seemed so much... clearer. Nothing technically had changed - except the lenses through which I'd been seeing obviously. Prior to that, of course, my vision had weakened over time.

And though I've been wearing glasses for half of my life now (yes I've turned 26 but I'm choosing to look at it with my new glasses so it doesn't look too bad!), it made me really think. All the times I thought my hair was fine - maybe it wasn't! Then I got even more contemplative and realized how the same could apply to spiritual eyesight too.

And so maybe God's reminder to see - I'm doing a new thing - has usually been met with a - what are you talking about? I don't see a thing!

God: Do you not perceive it?

Jessie: No! Nothing has changed in my life in the past 5 years. What new stuff? When people ask me 'what's new?' I say 'same old' so that's most definitely the truth. It's all 'same old'.

God: I'm making a way in the desert

Jessie: No this desert is beginning to look like it has no end. I cannot see a way out. Can you tell me where it leads?

God: Check out the streams

Jessie: I'm so thirsty. What streams are these? Why don't I see them and when can I get a drink? Also - how long is this stream going to last? Elijah's dried up. Will that happen to me?

So maybe it takes the lens of faith to peer into what God's really up to instead of regular, possibly weakened eyesight. It's so much easier to trust something when you see it.

But does the lens matter at all?

Apparently, you can walk around thinking you are seeing things with a particular lens but really not seeing what they are at all. So how reliable is the eyesight/lens? Maybe this is why we are not always meant to live by sight...

Jessie: Dear God! Maybe you were right all along about the new thing, streams and about making a way...

By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see. Hebrews 11:13 (The Message)

Rockology

2011-04-21T20:43:00.004+05:30

is my new word for Christology. This is what I stumbled on today:

I Corinthians 10 (The Message)

1-5Remember our history, friends, and be warned. All our ancestors were led by the providential Cloud and taken miraculously through the Sea. They went through the waters, in a baptism like ours, as Moses led them from enslaving death to salvation life. They all ate and drank identical food and drink, meals provided daily by God. They drank from the Rock, God's fountain for them that stayed with them wherever they were. And the Rock was Christ. But just experiencing God's wonder and grace didn't seem to mean much—most of them were defeated by temptation during the hard times in the desert, and God was not pleased.
6-10The same thing could happen to us. We must be on guard so that we never get caught up in wanting our own way as they did. And we must not turn our religion into a circus as they did—"First the people partied, then they threw a dance." We must not be sexually promiscuous—they paid for that, remember, with 23,000 deaths in one day! We must never try to get Christ to serve us instead of us serving him; they tried it, and God launched an epidemic of poisonous snakes. We must be careful not to stir up discontent; discontent destroyed them.

11-12These are all warning markers—danger!—in our history books, written down so that we don't repeat their mistakes. Our positions in the story are parallel—they at the beginning, we at the end—and we are just as capable of messing it up as they were. Don't be so naive and self-confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence.

You know the story about Moses striking a rock and making God so mad that He wouldn't let Him into His promised land. Till the other day, it seemed like Moses should have spoken to the rock instead of hitting it. Water came anyway but God was not pleased. It seems a bit extreme - even for God to love a rock more than Moses.

Now read 1 Corinthians 1- 5 again.

Notice it?

They drank from the Rock, God's fountain for them that stayed with them wherever they were. And the Rock was Christ.

I have NEVER made that connection before and no preacher ever helped me make it. But I've been seeing and reading rocks lately and they've been on my mind - if you read my previous post you already know this.

Christ was with the Israelites in the desert. I believed that but it never occurred to me that Moses had struck Christ by striking the rock. A man who saw a glimpse of the glory of God and missed Christ in his midst.

And that's the danger of 'becoming spoiled to the ordinary.' (I borrow this phrase from someone I met recently and who was accused of this).

An ordinary rock in the ordinary desert. How was Moses to know that this was rock was different? That this was THE rock. The Rock of Ages? And speaking to the rock makes it produce water to quench the thirst of the desert-weary immigrants?

Onto John 4 because I suddenly remembered Jesus' words to the Samaritan woman.

7-8A woman, a Samaritan, came to draw water. Jesus said, "Would you give me a drink of water?" (His disciples had gone to the village to buy food for lunch.)

9The Samaritan woman, taken aback, asked, "How come you, a Jew, are asking me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?" (Jews in those days wouldn't be caught dead talking to Samaritans.)

10Jesus answered, "If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."

11-12The woman said, "Sir, you don't even have a bucket to draw with, and this well is deep. So how are you going to get this 'living water'? Are you a better man than our ancestor Jacob, who dug this well and drank from it, he and his sons and livestock, and passed it down to us?"

13-14Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life."

For a life in the desert, we need water that will overwhelm our deepest thirst with a fountain that will never run dry. Not today and not for eternity.

So in this desert moment, I guess I ought to speak to The Rock.

Jesus, thank you for forever-water. Thank you for being my Rock and my water supply. May I always be quenched by your great love. Help me share you with those who are still thirsting.

O Praise Him

2011-04-20T21:50:00.002+05:30

Luke 19:37-40 (The Message)

^37-38Right at the crest, where Mount Olives begins its descent, the whole crowd of disciples burst into enthusiastic praise over all the mighty works they had witnessed:

Blessed is he who comes,
the king in God's name!
All's well in heaven!
Glory in the high places!

³⁹Some Pharisees from the crowd told him, "Teacher, get your disciples under control!"

⁴⁰But he said, "If they kept quiet, the stones would do it for them, shouting praise."

O Praise Him is one of my favourite David Crowder songs and I listen to it quite often during my commute to work. At some point last week, I was gazing at the heaps of rock extending to the horizon and listening to this song. And from somewhere, the verse that came to my mind was from Luke 19:40. 'If they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.' Jesus says.

And I felt convinced that these rocks lying around motionless on a pretty large tract of land were doing just that. Praising God. Nothing you'd notice on the outside I suppose but I think creation sort of deflects praise off of itself to its Creator naturally. And so these motionless rocks that I'd seen pretty much every day for nearly five years had no effect on me till I saw them as part of God's awesome creation. Now I'm sort of waiting for them during the otherwise weary commute. Waiting for them to show up and show me some more of God.

"One attribute of habitual praise is that it is inherent in creation. We tell the glory of God by our very existence. It is unavoidable. We can choose whether to amplify this or not. We can choose to be moved by this or not. Maybe we just need a simple book beside our beds that reminds us of who the household name is. Either way we resound with the heavens, the greatness of the Creator -- but when you have met Him, when He has called you His own , then the majestic One would come near, would lean in close in all of His glory and embrace us, to mend the division between Him and us. The most famous One of all is concerned with us! Sometimes our awareness of who we are, in light of who He is, is so present and vivid that we become explosions of rescue.
Sometimes praise is impossible to contain. It is a violently full river for which there is no dam high enough or wide enough to contain it. He will be on the tip of our tongue. He will spill out. We will be standing in rooms waiting for others' eyes to meet ours so we can run with a smile that floods and drowns."
David Crowder

And I'm pretty sure I haven't done enough of it yet. There's so much to tell.

There was the one time I was stranded and was safely deposited where I needed to go. Then the other time when someone at church generously baked me a cake when I had a broken leg and was staying with them and studying for a psychology exam and turning 19 (all at the same time). And the time I passed when really I thought I'd flunked out. One awful maths exam and all the times that I've gotten lost in various forms of public transport. More recently, the time when I hung between the skies and the ground wondering if my feet would ever touch the ground - and they did! And then all the moments that took my breath away - watching underwater life and swallowing great amounts of salt water each time because I went WOW out loud. The walk around the mountain and in the park. The quiet times on the beach and the hills. For fireflies and the sound of guitar strings. Family holiday of 2003, Christmas of 1994, and the great Indian wedding of 1993. The birth of each of my 4 nephews.

And the more I think about it - the more comes to mind. Small, regular, daily blessings - hot water, clean clothes, tea, and a home.

And the truth is - God is good. Infinitely good, loving, merciful and rescuing. O praise Him!

Lalalalalala...lalalalalala....lalalalalala...la..la..la..la

Square One

2011-04-14T18:57:00.004+05:30

I owe a deep sense of gratitude to all who have been tracking my Lenten and desert moments and supporting me through them. It's been amazing to have friends and family members from far away and near responding to this inner and outer struggle. Thanks for hoping with me.

I have decided on a couple of things recently. I'm going to sell out. If the Bible means what it says, and I think it pretty much always does, then the old is gone. It's time to get back to Square One (as prescribed by Eugene Peterson in one of my daily devotionals). I'm sharing my readings for the past two days below. Have a read and see what you think:

April 13th - Simplify

I want to simplify your lives. When others are telling to read more, I want to tell you to read less; when others are telling you to do more, I want to tell you to do less. The world does not need more of you; it needs more of God. And you don't need more of you; you need more of God. For we do not progress in the Christian life by becoming more competent, more knowledgable, more virtuous, or more energetic. We do not advance in the Christian life by acquiring expertise. Each day, and many times each day, we need more of God. Back to Square One.

The world and all it's wanting, wanting, wanting, is on the way out -- but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.

1 John 2:17

April 14th - The Christian Life

... The Christian Life consists in what God does for us, not what we do for God; the Christian Life consists in what God says to us, not what we say about God. We also, of course, do things and say things; but if we do not return to Square One each time we act, each time we speak, beginning from God and God's Word, we will soon be found to be practicing a spirituality that has little or nothing to do with God. And so it is necessary, if we are going to truly live a Christian life, and not just use the word Christian to disguise our narcissistic and Prometheus attempts at a spirituality without worshipping God and without being addressed by God, it is necessary to return to Square One and adore God and listen to God. Given our sin-damaged memories that render us vulnerable to every latest edition of journalistic spirituality, daily re-orientation in the truth revealed in Jesus and attested in Scripture is required. And given our ancient predisposition for reducing every scrap of divine revelation that we come across into a piece of moral/spiritual technology that we can use to get on in the world, and eventually to get on without God, a daily return to a condition of not-knowing and non-achievement is required. We have proven, time and again, that we are not to be trusted in these matters. We need to return to Square One for a fresh start as often as every morning, noon, and night.

Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing!

Ephesians 2:8-9

And so it is. I'm beginning to feel at home with God. Even if all around is chaos and God doesn't make sense all the time.

For a while now, I've been struggling with decisions. Career advancement/stagnation (yes that's an option I've considered a lot!) or further studies. Better cities or longer holidays. Missionary lifestyle or Bible college. Marriage or singleness. Teaching or writing. Church or playing hide and go seek with God.

I'm not ready to make any decisions about my life anymore. In fact, I'm tired of my role in all the various different scenarios that have played in my head.

I'm ready to take life on an hour at a time. And as much of that hour with God as possible in spite of who I am and what I do.

Desert Love

2011-04-11T20:24:00.004+05:30

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.

Hosea 2:14

That's the focus verse of the devotional I'm going to be reading for the next couple of months. I usually find that this devotional manages to set the pace for what I end up dealing with and helping me cope. I hit rock bottom today and I didn't even try to hide it. I hardly slept last night and I reached work and found tons of it. I woke up and all the most disturbing thoughts hit me at once and I broke down before 6 am.

If you know me well, I'm rarely up before 6 am and you've probably never seen me cry (unless you were around me a lot before I turned 15). I once heard a sermon on pride at a church Chennai and was convinced it was for me but I had too much pride to just let the tears flow in church so I held them all the way till I reached my house and then I carried them immediately with me to the airport. I got completely drenched because it started raining (which is when I should've just let go and bawled and who would've known the difference but I was just trying to get out of the wretched downpour so I didn't take the opportunity) and sat in the flight. The tears were still there, ready to fall any moment with little warning but I resolutely read my book (which interestingly was about a proud girl who couldn't admit to her childhood sweetheart that she loved him while they were now adults) though it made me feel worse. I rode home in a cab, opened the door and let the tears roll. That took a full 6 hours of holding on to those awful tears and I felt the pain of being convicted of my pride all the more!

Today was worse. The tears didn't make me feel better at all. I only stopped to be able to go to work in time. Pride, anger, selfishness, self-righteousness have all been eating away at me for the past month in good measure. I've felt very bitter and utterly resentful of people and circumstances. Life has become more narcissistic as well as basic.

I know I was led to this place. This dry, unfriendly, hostile desert. My imagination has run wild and my heart has grown faint. Deliverance and redemption seem far away. Everything seems to be fading to black.

I keep wondering whether I'm going to arrive at my calling at this point. I'm not sure. The more I try to find ways to manage life, figure out where it's going, and tame it, the less alive I'm feeling.

Maybe I'll hear something. A voice speaking to me and telling me why I'm here, what I'm supposed to be doing and how much I'm loved. Maybe or maybe not. Right now the voices of discouragement, disillusionment and depressive thoughts are overpowering me. Will I ever be able to drown them out?

I'm slowly learning to live with an absent Father. It's a lot like living without a father which I'm now used to. However, knowing the Father seems to help me. I think I know what He'd want me to do if He were around. Just like I would if my Appa were around. I'd know He'd want me to cast my cares onto Him. He'd want me to trust Him and He'd want me to read all the letters He's written to me. My passage was John 15 today. I blogged about it recently because it has come to mean a lot to me. That's when the first tears fell, before I'd even opened my Bible.

I think I am going to come apart before I can be put back together.

It's going to take a lot longer than I was hoping it would. I figured if I spent Sundays fixing myself up I'd be perfect by Easter. Perfect, spotless and beautiful. Not to mention more loving, kinder and gentler.

That illusion is now broken.

I'm nowhere close to that. In fact, I'm probably a lot worse off than when I started. I have a sinking feeling, it's going to get a lot worse before it can even begin to get better. And definitely not in time for Easter. I would've stopped trying if I'd realized this earlier.

So now I'm just going to wait. Not cry, complain or writhe but wait. Wait not for Easter or for a miracle but for whatever the desert holds. Psychic houses are luxuries and mine's pretty wrecked (see earlier post). I'm pitching my tent in the desert and waiting.

Heartbreak

2011-04-06T21:37:00.002+05:30

I've been trying to ponder why a loving, good God would want to save a wretched world through a Suffering Son.

I think to understand God in this fallen world, we cannot circumvent sin. In any case, sin naturally blindsides us. Before or after our conversion. I believe God designed the world faultlessly understanding that free will would give creation the choice to sin and break His heart. I also think God is all-sufficient and all-powerful so He didn't actually create to satisfy any inner urge to seek glory. By nature, all creation has to glorify God. So He must have created us for us to fully enjoy Him and His goodness and to reflect His glory.

So we weren't created for sin but with the potential for it. And so the rule laid was - sin leads to death. That's what God told the man and the woman in the garden. It's still true. But neither the man or the woman die immediately. Instead they are punished and eventually cease to exist in the physical sense of the word. So the price of sin technically remained unpaid. And so God goes on to teach humanity the cost of sin through the ritual sacrifice. He's setting the stage for us to fully understand the need for a perfect human to willingly sacrifice Himself to pay the cost of sin and be able to kill death itself.

So far, so good.

I look back at my life and think of events that have left me heartbroken. Times of betrayal, loneliness, or death. And I've often questioned God's purposes wondering why God would allow certain events into my life leaving me confused, alone and distrusting. I think that's why sometimes reading the book of Job makes us a little mad. Because we never get the answer to the question - Why?

And in different words and lives, the question remains. How come God isn't broken enough over my problems, my circumstances and my life? And the cross doesn't speak to them specifically either. Yes it offers me my only way to God but so what?

If God is good, what is He good for?

And yet God is pretty broken on the cross. What was He broken for? The sin in our world and in our lives that is killing us daily. Sin that is more devastating and distancing than suffering will ever be. God can use suffering for His purposes but He can never use sin. Sin needs to be destroyed and the power of sin over humanity needs to be broken.

And so it seems throughout the entire Bible, God is heartbroken over sin.

And this sets us up for a clash of interest that we often fail to acknowledge. We're reeking with sin and asking God to get rid of our problems. And God in His limitless patience is trying to get us to confess our sin, deal with it daily and then come to Him with whatever is bothering us. He did it with Israel and He's trying to work with us.

So then really the question of suffering is really the wrong question to be asking. The problem though is that it's a valid question. There is something within us that wants instant deliverance from all that bothers us and we're hoping that when we are fixed up we can really praise God for who He is. But if we cannot praise God while we are still fallen and in need of His grace and mercy that transports us from this life to the next, then will we really be able to praise Him just because we're set up for it based on how we think we should be treated?

Suffering breaks our heart and seems to alienate us from God. That's our perception though. God still maintains that it is sin that breaks His heart and truly alienates us from Him.

And so we read how a heartbroken God appeals to His children to repent, confess, turn back and return to a faithful Father.

And really how desperate God is for breakthrough in Hosea. I think we see glimpses of that desperation in our own lives especially when we fall in love and expect fidelity and true love. And so, as disturbing as it may seem, we're chasing a dying Saviour who outloves our sin and who comes near to the brokenhearted.

I wish I could say my heart breaks for the same reasons that God's heart does. That's simply not true. I want myself fixed up and ready to bask in glorious personal comfort that insulates me from everyone else's problems, pain, and questions. My heart breaks only over me. Maybe some friends and family members at times. But mostly over me.

Truth is, He's already given Himself on the cross. The veil is torn. God is nearer than I'd ever hoped. And He's more brokenhearted over me than I've ever given Him credit for.

Falling Apart

2011-04-01T23:33:00.002+05:30

'When you ask God into your life, you think he or she is going to come into your psychic house, look around, and see that you just need a new floor or better furniture and that everything needs just a little cleaning -- and so you go along for the first six months thinking now nice life is now that God is there. Then you look out the window one day and see that there's a wrecking ball outside. It turns out that God actually thinks your foundation is shot and you're going to have to start over from scratch.

Marianne Williamson

I've been feeling like my psychic house is about to be wrecked to the ground soon. For the past weeks, thoughts of running out of the house for good have occupied my head.

For a good part of my life, it seemed like Christianity was just way of 'better living'. Smarter, efficient, logical and perfectly rational. Turns out there's a whole lot more. Like not ignoring the huge issue of sin. It's obvious enough that the world is pretty broken apart from the vein of pure evil that runs through it.

Now acknowledging evil on the inside is not as obvious or easy. I think for most part, I believe I'm a good person. Yes, I carried some weird gene passed down from Adam but that was taken care of on a cross by a man called Jesus so now everything is just dandy. That's a lie. The 'everything is dandy' part. I think for most part, I've believed that 'everything is dandy' so I ought to just live like it is. That's the second lie.

So this leaves me with the two truths:

1. I'm not a perfectly good person
2. Everything is not dandy - people are annoying, the world is practically self-destructing, etc etc

Now the truth is supposed to set us free. Not make me happy all the time, clearly.

Happiness. Forget happiness. What if I considered the pursuit of happiness? Apparently, happiness is more transient than its pursuit. Am I entitled to happiness? In a world where I'm not good enough and the world isn't all that great either - where does that leave me? What's the point of anything?

The cross. Lying there, waiting to be picked up. Not quite the pick-me-up I had in mind. How do I pick up this cross daily? How do I pick up a cross and pretend that's everything's just dandy and I'm alright and as righteous as you think I am. Or even as righteous as I think I am.

My 'righteousness' and my sin have to leave. So I can make room for a cross. Where does that leave me?

That actually leaves me out. I die (and go to heaven later). Along with the cross comes the nature of the one who bore it for me. And the war has begun.

Everything I thought I knew about God is being shot at - by God. Living by faith is too dangerous. And so within the choice of salvation there is consistent choosing. A consistent dying to the self sustained only by the lavish love poured out on the cross and by the work of the Holy Spirit.

Little by little my safe, psychic house is falling apart. I am beginning to see a cornerstone being set up

Jesus is

“‘the stone you builders rejected,
which has become the cornerstone.

Acts 4:11

On Giving

2011-03-24T18:36:00.003+05:30

Writing this in response to Blog for a Cause so that proceeds go to the Aashayein foundation in Hyderabad. If you want to donate online, here you go.

Maybe giving is not so much about what, how much and why you give as much as what, how much and why you keep hold something back. I feel true giving expresses itself not so much with the idea of 'random acts of kindness' as nice as they are but in 'deliberate considerate acts of love'. What I'm attempting to get at is the motive for giving - and I think it ought to be driven by a passionate love to see something change for someone else. Problem is, it makes us feel good and charitable. So to some extent it is possible to give selfishly - large amounts of time, concern and money but still be doing it for what it does for you.

Now maybe you'll sort of stop tracking and drop off at this point because you enjoy feeling good about yourself and can't seem to see anything wrong with that. I think it's important to note that giving does produce something good because that's a natural outflow of a good work done. There's nothing wrong with that. However, being human, the risk we run is to chase that feeling of goodness instead of giving ourselves to love someone through what we actually give them.

Then there's giving that makes no sense. That goes above and beyond the norm. People leave something profitable to pursue something that allows them to give not their time, money or resources but give up their dreams, ambitions and lifestyles. Here's when it becomes sacrificial the motive more apparent.

In India, there's much scope and ground to be covered. We have a prime example that we've shared with the world when it comes to giving: Mother Teresa. We have a robust population of youth and an ever burgeoning middle class. I'm not sure whether giving online will really catch up anytime soon but I don't think we need to worry about that. Poverty is everywhere. We don't need to look for it online - though we can and find it there as well.

I think the size of the problem can overwhelm us and numb us into inaction. Where do you start addressing poverty? In your home. With your maid who is married to an alcoholic or the driver who has more children than he can afford. I think committed giving really affects some sort of lasting change. I don't just mean monetary giving. Give these folks a break. Days off and some additional benefits whenever you can. Pensions too.

Personally, I know there are several opinions on whether or not to give beggars or homeless people and encourage a wider problem instead of alleviating an immediate need. I say - go for the immediate. You alone with your decision to avoid a beggar and therefore the larger problem of growing poverty will not drive poverty to leave. Just because we don't want people to beg and don't give them money, doesn't mean they will stop or go away. That doesn't even make logical sense.

So give the poor, homeless people money so that they can live, and if you can help them make a life with not just money but an opportunity, go ahead and do that. Indifference has never helped anyone and it is not planning on helping you out either.

Now I know a brand of people who feel that they ought to give only those people who cannot really fend for themselves. Glad that there's a thought for the poor that can be counted within that decision. That said, while I'm all for giving intelligently, I'm also for avoiding false judgement. The argument goes that a poor person who is not physically disadvantaged ought to be working and therefore doesn't deserve the grace of your handout. I think that stems from a sense of considering oneself as the owner and beneficiary of the gift therefore capable only of dispensing it to whom one wishes to. What about all the breaks that we got that we didn't really deserve in life? You really deserve every drop of money you make?

Truth is, very few us make it in life without the grace and help of others along the way. If you can give without judging whether the person really deserves your donation/charity then that might be the route to take. After all, would you want to be judged in the same way before something nice comes your way?

If you've got this far, I hope you either agree or disagree. And if you disagree, I'm willing to listen. Let me know what you think.

Who am I? Dietrich Bonhoeffer

2011-03-20T22:32:00.000+05:30

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

March 4,1946

Jesus wants to resurrect somebody

2011-03-18T22:30:00.005+05:30

I called through your door,
"The mystics are gathering
in the street. Come out!"

"Leave me alone.
I'm sick."

"I don't care if you're dead!"
Jesus is here, and he wants
to resurrect somebody!"

Rumi

I want to be the somebody that Jesus resurrects from my current state.

I think this poem adequately captures what I've been going through the past week. On the outside, it's been business as usual. On the inside a raging battle that I'm strangely becoming more acutely aware of. With each passing day, I'm confronted by my own selfishness and smugness. Now I am beginning to realize that it's a good thing. I cannot say I'm enjoying it. Still, it helps me understand a lot of important things - which is great. The battle is not devoid of meaning. Right now, it's a battle of wills. My will or His will.

Right now, I'm not sure how this battle is going to turn out. But I want to hope and pray that at the end of this - it's His will. That by the end of Lent or even sooner, I will approach Good Friday and be able to choose like the smart thief. The one who was so aware of his sinfulness that he repented and surrendered in the midst of his suffering. I hope I don't end up like the other thief, enduring the pain of suffering but waiting for just immediate relief without admitting my need for a relief that far exceeds my current needs. A relief that encompasses my every need (even the ones I'm most unaware of or most unwilling to admit).

The problem is - there is something so appealing about the Cross but there is also something that repulses me. Love on extravagant display. Talk about a public display of affection that puts every other attempt at it to shame. Even on my best days, I could never go that far to show someone I love them.

There's something within me that never wants to let someone I care about know that I do care about them. Like it would demean me a bit if I let it show. I'm not sure where I picked that up from. Must've been born with it. Some weird fear of letting people know that I care about them deeply. One explanation is the fear of rejection. But that's not always the case. Even in the absence of rejection - there's a certain amount of pride. A possibly false sense of being in control.

Love shows.

So when I come to the cross, there's a painful awareness. I want to be able to love to the point of shedding blood for another but that terrifies me. That's real passion. And I'm way too broken to even begin to love like that.

That's why it's easier to settle for a lesser love. I can love me. No sacrifice there. No hurt, no hiding (it's usually quite obvious to everyone when they come across someone so in love with themselves). Some rejection but overall, it's a convenient option. A compromise for the real deal. It would simplify a lot of decisions. I just need to check in to see who is happy at the end of the decision and I'll know what to do with my life, each step of the way. Maybe sometimes I'll be confused or thrown off guard but for most part, I'll survive. I'm not sure I'll feel alive, but I will survive life.

Or

There is a Cross-Road. It's pretty narrow and almost as terrible looking as that stray pun.

It can keep me from following off the edge of the brink of my own despair. It can set me on the path to self-sacrificing, imperfect love. It leads to Love.

And Love wins. (Rob Bell says so!)

Right now, I'm not sure how this battle is going to turn out. All I know is, I've never felt as aware of my sinfulness as I am now. I'm looking forward to Good Friday like never before.

How do you know it's Jesus?

2011-03-14T19:08:00.003+05:30

I've been reading several books by Christian writers and I'm beginning to see a pattern emerging. Here's the pattern:

1. Jesus Pictures - everyone has them in their heads. Either from a picture/photo/scene they had in their homes or ideas they formed in their heads based on what they heard or saw in movies. It's the picture that comes to mind when someone says 'Jesus' - unless they are swearing.

2. Mixed pictures - A few folks who went to church either had these stereotypical images reinforced or encountered a new, different image. There is now ensuing confusion based on how different these two images are as the person desperately tries to juggle these pictures in their head.

3. Jesus is just not worth it - Some folks walk away because Jesus is so confusing. Not everyone agrees beautifully about how he lived or where he lived and died. We know so little from the Bible - which is supposed to give us the answer to life and all the other questions under the sun. He hasn't left enough solid proof to convince us that He absolutely is the Son of God so maybe He wasn't. The mess isn't easily resolved by sticking around Christians or attending a church.

4. The Jesus I never knew category - These folks claim to have 'met' Jesus - meaning in an 'He's alive and kicking' sort of way. He's not like the guy you saw in the movies, the one hanging on a cross on your wall (though He did hang on a real cross), or the one with long hair, white clothes and a blue/red/white sash. Pay attention to them, they have interesting accounts to tell.

5. Jesus is disturbing - These folks have read the Gospels according to Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (not the Thomas one which is more amusing than disturbing). They conclude that what they know about Jesus is more disturbing than what they don't know about Him (his height, weight, whether or not He had a Roman nose because He lived under the nose of the Roman empire, etc etc.)

6. Same conclusion - The folks who have managed to read through the Gospel accounts with a certain amount of illumination can confirm the Gospel account that Jesus is alive without traveling back in time. They believe they've met the same Jesus because He lives. Indeed.

===================================

What I've figured from all of this:

1. The Gospels are confirmed through an honest, individual, personal relationship with Jesus. Not that I'm undermining the historic evidences that also prove them. In a legal way, it is possible to conclude the authenticity of the Gospels. Some folks have intellectually been able to conclude that Jesus is definitely worth investigating.

2. There is no other way to deal with your honest doubts about Jesus and all the supernatural ideas that come with the belief in Him. You attempt to relate or your questions remain.

3. Jesus Himself challenged His disciples (Who do you say I am? Mark 8:29-30) and as He continues to do so today with the revealing but not leading question.

4. So that's the test question. The right answer is independent of history, of political/material reality, of (sometimes the lack of) physical evidence, or of supernatural intervention. It is also independent of who you are, how and where you were brought up, who your parents were/weren't, or who your Sunday School teacher was, or whatever sort of genetic/relational mess you find yourself in.

5. Jesus is not going to be dismissed as 'the answer.' He is the questioner as you muddle through your life looking for answers.

6. The answer is devoid of everything but the promise given by God.

Peter answered, "You are the Christ."

It's a statement of recognition, of having seen what one has only heard rumours of growing up. It's like having a word picture 'Messiah' planted firmly in your head and then seeing Him in the flesh.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:14

So, how did you figure out who He is?

Prisoner of Hope

2011-03-13T18:49:00.003+05:30

Today I visited a prayer fellowship. It's a small group of folks, some of whom are HIV+. They are treated by a local Christian organization and they meet and learn about God on Sundays. They are learning what it takes to be Christian and some of them are baptized and they move on into a mainline church.

The meeting was in Telugu so there were some bits that I didn't follow. There were no musical instruments but they all sang with gumption :) There was then some time for sharing testimonies. I felt my heart swell with hope as people narrated personal stories from the past week. One of the staff members leads the meeting and he gave the message. He talked about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead and specifically focused on his claim of being the Resurrection and the Life. We also focused on death and dying. Nearly everyone in the room including some little kids raised their hands when he asked whether they were afraid of dying. Death seems a little more certain here though in reality it's just as certain everywhere else.

Personally, I remembered how I felt so cheated by God when my grandmother passed away. Not because she did but because I watched cancer rob her life in a way that just seemed so cruel. So Jesus' question asking Lazarus' sisters whether or not they believed He could give life felt directed at me as well. I'm glad I went. I found a lot more hope than I'd expected.

Hope. I've been thinking a lot about how much I need it and how little I am able to find it at church or anywhere else. But it lives. Among folks who are almost dying, hope is alive and kicking! It is also contagious. I caught some hope today.

Who do people say I am?

2011-03-12T16:21:00.003+05:30

Jesus asks that question in Mark 8:27. There are people who think Jesus was a heretic, a prophet, a teacher, a lawbreaker. There are several interesting and alarming portraits of him. There's a Jesus market - both for the believer or the unbeliever. I'm going to focus on the non-commercial Jesus here and some interesting accounts that I've read about him recently.

This is how Chapter 1 of Lamb, The gospel according to Biff, Christ's childhood pal (Christopher Moore) begins:

"You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know.

The first time I saw the man who would save the world he was sitting near the central well in Nazareth with a lizard hanging out of his mouth. Just the tail end and the hind legs were visible on the outside; the head and forelegs were halfway down the hatch. He was six, like me, and his beard had not come in fully, so he didn't look much like the pictures you've seen of him. His eyes were like dark honey, and they smiled at me out of a mop of blue-black curls that framed his face. There was a light older than Moses in those eyes.

"Unclean! Unclean!" I screamed, pointing at the boy, so my mother would see that I knew the Law, but she ignored me, as did all the other mothers who were filling their jars at the well.

The boy took the lizard from his mouth and handed it to his younger brother, who sat beside him in the sand. The younger boy played with the lizard for a while, teasing it until it reared its little head as if to bite, then he picked up a rock and mashed the creature's head. Bewildered, he pushed the dead lizard around in the sand, and once assured that it wasn't going anywhere on its own, he picked it up and handed it back to his older brother.

Into his mouth went the lizard, and before I could accuse, out it came again, squirming and alive and ready to bite once again. He handed it back to his younger brother, who smote it mightily with the rock, starting or ending the whole process again.

I watched the lizard die three more times before I said, "I want to do that too."

The Savior removed the lizard from his mouth and said, "Which part?"

By the way, his name was Joshua. Jesus is the Greek translation of the Hebrew Yeshua, which is Joshua. Christ is not a last name. It's the Greek for messiah, a Hebrew word meaning anointed. I have no idea what the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stood for. It's one of the things I should have asked him.

Me? I am Levi who is called Biff. No middle initial.
Joshua was my best friend."

The above is a fictional, although humourous (bordering on blasphemous) story of Jesus. It's told with a spin and you are supposed to get that. Just like the spin you see in 'The Da Vinci Code'. You can argue about the facts but the spin rests on the intent and they both have different intents. They both let you see Jesus in a light that they cast.

You can store up pointless or useful facts about a person without meeting them. The truth is, all that changes when you actually come face to face with the person. If you're married, maybe you better understand the hazards of impatient character judgement and hasty decision making. You know you are in for a life time of figuring out exactly who you married and having that illusion that you made up in your head yesterday shattering before you today.

That's something that seems to resonate with some of the other writer's that I've read.

Jesus wrecked my life

I know there are people out there who say, "My life was such a mess. I was drinking, partying, sleeping around... and then I met Jesus and my whole life came together." God bless those people. But me, I had it together. I used to be cool. And then I met Jesus and he wrecked my life. The more I read the gospel, the more it messed me up, turning everything I believed in, valued and hoped for upside-down. I am still recovering from my conversion. I know it's hard to imagine, but in high school, I was elected prom king. I was in the in-crowd, popular, ready to make lots of money and buy lots of stuff, on the upward track to success. I had been planning to go to med school. Like a lot of folks, I wanted to find a job where I could do as little as possible for as much money as possible. I figured anesthesiology would work, just put folks to sleep with a little happy gas and let others do the dirty work. Then I could buy lots of stuff I didn't need. Mmm... the American dream. [Well, there was that brief stint when I wanted to join the circus. I went to circus school and became quite an accomplished unicycler, magician, juggler, stilt-walker, fire-breather, and fire-eater, although I never ended up joining the circus. Of course, now I know that working with the church is close enough, its own kind of circus, packed full of fools, freaks, and daredevils.]

But as I pursued that dream of upward mobility preparing for college, things just didn't fit together. As I read Scriptures about how the last will be first, I started wondering why I was working so hard to be first. And I couldn't help but hope that there was something more to life than pop Christianity. I had no idea what I should do. I thought about leaving everything to follow Jesus, like the apostles, and hitting the road with nothing but sandals and a staff, but I wasn't sure where to pick up a staff.

There were plenty of folks talking about the gospel and writing books about it, but as far as I could tell, living out the gospel had yet to be tried in recent days. So the youth group got a little old -- the songs got boring, the games grew stale, and I found other places to meet fine women. I wasn't sure the church had much to offer. Of course, I didn't dare stop going to church, convinced that "going to church" is what good people do, and I didn't want to become like "those people" who didn't 'go to church.' Heathens. Ha. So I sucked it up and went every week, often cynical, usually bored, but always smiling.

All the youth used to sit in the back row of the balcony, and we'd skip out on Sunday morning to walk down to the convenient mart for snacks before slipping back into the balcony. I recall thinking that if God was as boring as Sunday morning, I wasn't sure I wanted anything to do with him. And I remember joking with friends that if someone had a heart attack on Sunday morning, the paramedics would have to take the pulse of half the congregation before they would find the dead person. Yes, inappropriate, but funny and I`m not sure it was far from the truth. A solemn deadness haunted the place. I learned in confirmation classes about the fiery beginnings of the Methodist Church and its signature symbol of the cross wrapped in the flame of the Spirit. Where had the fire gone? I learned about John Wesley, who said that if they didn`t kick him out of town after he spoke, he wondered if he had really preached the gospel. I remember Wesley`s old saying, ``If I should die with more than ten pounds, may every man call me a liar and a thief,`` for her would have betrayed the gospel. Then I watched as one of the Methodist congregations I attended built a $120,000 stained-glass window. Wesley would not have been happy. I stared at that window. I longed for Jesus to break out of it, to free himself, to come to rise from the dead... again.

- The Irresistible Revolution living as an ordinary radical (Shane Claiborne)

Maybe you`ve looked for Jesus at church and expected to find Him and you saw how everyone did stuff in the church and decided He wasn`t there and so maybe He`s not alive at all. Shane Claiborne continues in his book to talk about how He gradually caught Jesus where He was least expecting him to. In the streets of Philly. He saw him among the homeless.

Maybe you met Him at Bible college or maybe you didn`t. You had a glimpse of Him at Sunday School and then you grew up. But if you read the gospels honestly, would you reach that same conclusion?

Jesus, I found, bore little resemblance to the Mister Rogers figure I had met in Sunday School, and was remarkably unlike the person I had studied in Bible college. For one thing, he was far less tame. In my prior image, I realized, Jesus` personality matched that of a Star Trek Vulcan: he remained calm, cool, and collected, as he strode like a robot among excitable human beings on spaceship earth. That is not what I found portrayed in the Gospels and in the better films. Other people affected Jesus deeply: obstinacy frustrated him, self-righteousness infuriated him, simple faith thrilled him. Indeed, he seemed more emotional and spontaneous than the average person, not less. More passionate, not less.

The more I studied Jesus, the more difficult it became to pigeon-hole him. He said little about the Roman occupation, the main topic of conversation among his countrymen, and yet he took up a whip to drive petty profiteers from the Jewish temple. He urged obedience to the Mosaic law while acquiring the reputation of a lawbreaker. He could be stabbed by sympathy for a stranger, yet turn on his best friend with the flinty rebuke, `Get behind me, Satan!` He had both unenterprising views on rich men and loose women, yet both types enjoyed his company.

- The Jesus I never knew (Philip Yancey)

``A great many books are being written about this Jesus today, even by those who disavow his historic assertions. After all, in the fall out of post-modernism one can make anyone say anything about anything, bereft of the text or the context. Physician and author Deepak Chopra has cleverly written two books on Jesus, one he admits is a complete work of fiction, though you can be sure he has a real motive in doing so, and the other in which he says that Jesus finally gained enlightenment in his pursuit of the ultimate. Though he claims to greatly admire Jesus, such twisted writing betrays the truth taught by Jesus and distorts history.

Once we understand Jesus in his own words and measure his claims and promises against our deepest needs, we will be surprised at just how personal and magnificent he really is - the way and the truth and the life (John 14:6) - rather than being merely the focus of deviously rendered fictitious story lines.

- Has Christianity failed you? (Ravi Zacharias)

Why do so many people want to either malign Him or surrender their entire lives to Him?

It`s good to know who different people think Jesus is. It`s even better to meet him on his own terms to find out who He really is.

Who can be saved?

2011-03-11T23:23:00.004+05:30

"I always say that if we believe terrorists are beyond redemption, we can rip out half of our New Testament, since it was written by a converted terrorist who became an extremist for grace. It's what happens when we discover that God has a desperate love for losers just like us."

- Shane Claiborne "The Irresistible Revolution"

Saul, the unlikely Christian and one of the most famous NT writers met Jesus and it changed him completely. I'm not sure my story is as dramatic. I was ten and I remember praying in Sunday School for Jesus to come into my heart (and I believe He did). It was easy because it felt like the missing piece to my puzzle. I had just lost my dad and soon enough came in contact with a God who revealed Himself extensively in the Bible as a Heavenly Father. It seemed like a (super)natural extension of the same relationship. In my confused mind, I didn't really believe my dad could have died overnight. I was at his burial and memorial service and I still remember reading Psalm 121 out loud at church but all that seemed like a staged drama. The truth was... he wasn't dead.

By the time I realized he wasn't coming back, life had started to come together. It seemed like he'd missed quite a bit already so it didn't matter as much that he wasn't around. Still, the whole affair puzzled me. For a large part of my Christian life, I've grown up looking to God as a Father.

I'll be honest, it took me a very long time to accept Jesus and the Holy Spirit on equal terms with the Father. The Father needed to be the head of the Trinity household just like an earthly father would be (and in some ways - maybe He is!). So a large part of my interaction was skewed. I only wanted God the Father while Jesus and the Holy Spirit sounded great - I didn't need them as much. They seemed like a package deal. Jesus comes into your heart and God becomes your Father. And the Holy Spirit - is like them and just around because that's what He does. I recited all the creeds saying as much - but secretly I've always had a softer spot for the Father.

Funnily enough, the Holy Spirit nudged his way into my dreams sooner and I could feel all sorts of divine magic and could attribute it to His Presence. He was SO around. This recognition dawned on me a couple of years ago. The Anglican church I went to didn't say much about Him so I didn't really know what I thought or felt about Him before this. But He was real too. SO real I couldn't believe I didn't realize sooner.

Jesus is inescapable. I pray 'in Jesus' name' because He's the only way for me to get to the Father. A necessary means to an end. I think I've only really thought about Jesus in the last one year - like a LOT. Previously, all teaching about Him washed in and settled down in a little box named 'ideas about Jesus.' The past year, He ditched my little box like He did His tomb.

In ways I would've never have thought, I'm beginning to see how Jesus began to save me on the cross and is still saving me each day. Each and every day. Where would I be if He didn't rescue me each day from my pride, bitterness, or resentment? How would I know how to really be human? He adds another dimension to my puzzle. He comes back after dying. If that's reality then death is only partially real.

He saves Saul. He saves me. I hope you know He can save you too.

Am I Safe now that I'm Saved?

2011-03-10T22:25:00.003+05:30

"The hoarding down the Broadway displayed in large red lettering: DO YOU WANT TO BE SAVED? I wondered just how many people would say yes to that. Had it read "Do you want to be safe?" millions of people would have said 'Yes, yes, yes, we want to be safe," and another barricade would have gone up. The soul is imprisoned, protected, nothing can get in to hurt it, but then it can't get out either. Being saved is nothing to do with being safe. Being saved is seeing yourself clearly -- no 'bits a colored glass,' no protection, no hiding -- simply seeing yourself. Anna never said anything about being saved, never to my knowledge attempted to save anybody. I don't suppose she would have understood this way of putting things, for this was my interpretation. But Anna knew full well that it was no use playing things safe; you simply had to "come outside" if you wanted to make progress. "coming outside" was dangerous, very dangerous, but it had to be done; there was no other way."

- From Mister God this is Anna by Fynn

'If there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than me or else just silly.'

'Then he isn't safe?' asked Lucy.

'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver. 'Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'

- From 'The Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe' by C.S. Lewis

I'm spending Lent selfishly. Everything I do or give up during Lent only benefits me. I'm beginning to see that most things I do are like that. Even charity benefits me. Serving in church benefits me.

I'm selfish but I'm saved. But I'm not safe. But I'm trying desperately to feel safe. I want to desperately believe that things will go my way each day. That people will not hurt me. That life will work out the way I suppose it should. That sad news or poverty or disability will not burst my bubble. That I will hit each development milestone and fulfill all societal expectations.

Dying to your personal hopes for the day in order to fulfill God's plan isn't the safest way to live. You don't make sane decisions all the time. In fact, most of the time, you're not even sure what kind of a plan you're on. Which is why it's easier to play it safe. Run away instead of facing something head on. Pull a Jonah and face similar consequences. Get pushed and shoved right on to whatever it was you were trying to avoid.

Why does God not want us to be safe? If He's in charge of my safety - how come I have to be willing to live on the edge like Jesus? He was doing it at the age of 12 - hanging around the temple instead of hanging around his parents.

One of the cool things about Jesus - He's never afraid. The crowds don't stone him, the Pharisees don't outwit him, the Sanhedrin doesn't acquit him but He's not afraid. Demon possession, disease and disabilities don't get to him. He combines vulnerability with a lack of fear. He could be Judas' friend and not fear betrayal.

Now I'm not like that on my best days. But I think I was saved to be free from fear. Not free to be safe but to stop letting everything in me that wants me to be safe to have its way. It takes a bit of unlearning because we've been brought up managing fear.

And so this journey of salvation is a lot like the journey taken by Much Afraid in Hannah Hurnard's classic 'Hinds' feet on high places.' It's the journey from fear to faith with Jesus as our Shepherd.

Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T22:43:00.003+05:30

Lesson for the day: I'm deeply selfish. I have thought of different ways of making my life 'better' for the next forty days. Can Jesus really save me from who I was, am, and am becoming?

It's Ash Wednesday already (the years are slipping away!). I've been thinking of what to 'give up' though traditionally I never really bother.

Here's a list of things I thought of:
1. Lemon Tea - drink it every morning and possibly once in the afternoon
2. Church going - I know this sounds a bit crazy but I'm still seriously considering it (also Life Group) - so only going to church every Wednesday
3. Church-related activities - includes conferences, concerts, and other church pursuits
4. Travel - I'd sort of made up my mind for it in the beginning of the year

Some benefits that I'm going to get out of giving up the above:
1. Just to check whether I'm addicted to lemon tea or not (I'm not sure but it could be contributing to some weight loss too)
2. Not going to church is going to give me a Sunday morning to myself. Myself and God. No interruptions.
3. Not attending church-related activities is going to give me time. Time to think really clearly.
4. Not traveling is going to keep me less exhausted overall and not provide the usual escape route that it does normally.

I'm not sure how you view the time of Lent but I've never really given up anything strictly before. I know that Christian living is about losing to gain life so that can be done any time in the year. But Lent is a great marker. A marker to stop and think - sort of like New Year where you stop to resolve some stuff.

Lent is generally a great time for abstinence or discipline I suppose. There are no Biblical rules here so I decided to use the time - the 40 day window before Easter to take a good long look at why I do the things I do. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to figure out but we'll know.

One thing I'm going to try and do is blog consistently and maybe consider doing a long-distance Christian counseling course. I also want to eat healthier and put on more weight! I want to get rest and some space in general.

The Ecclesiastes Experience

2011-03-07T21:00:00.004+05:30

Sandwiched between Proverbs and Song of Songs, Ecclesiastes is rather confusing. Proverbs lauds wisdom, Ecclesiastes stresses meaninglessness. Then Song of Songs gets into all sorts of love poems.

I don't think it would be a stretch for me to admit that the past few months have felt like I've been experiencing what the writer of Ecclesiastes spells out in its twelve chapters. The more I've been thinking about it, the more pointless everything seems. And the more the yearning for something meaningful, which cannot be found apart from God. So I've been trying to sort through everything to find more of God. Where does He go when I'm at work? Why can't I spend my time with Him instead of working or hanging out with friends, or watching a movie?

In spite of a lot of 'good' things, life has been dull. I can't think of one exciting thing I'd want to do. Not travel, not write, not listen to music or spend time with people. I don't want to particularly hang out with anyone in particular, talk over the phone or be involved in church.

Not that I think there's something wrong with all those things. I think they're perfectly fine. But I'm beginning to see them as distractions. Things that take away time I could spend with God. And yet, they're there everyday and I have to deal with them. Work. Friends. Entertainment. Social Networks. Church. Family. Books. Food. It's not always easy to find God in the middle of everything. In the muddle of everything, too!

Now if meaninglessness is the problem - is meaningfulness the solution? Not really. I don't think my life is particularly meaningless. I'm a tax paying citizen of my country! I'm not aiming for irony here, just being honest :) I think you can feel partially meaningful by being nice, by being missed, by doing good things, by being paid for your work (bonuses help too), by being famous, by being wise, by being rich and being popular.

BUT that doesn't solve the problem. What's with the existential angst? The writer of Ecclesiastes seems to blame God for setting eternity in our hearts knowing that there is a physical death to overcome first. God - knowing that faith and belief are a pre-requisite to this eternal life has still gone ahead and created us with an urge for it, an itch for a lifetime with God that we cannot scratch till we're in the next life.

How do we survive with this knowledge of God and his plan of eternal life without being able to fully quench our desire for Him and the eternal life He promises with Himself? I think God affords some glimpses - some taste that whet our appetite for more. The writer of Ecclesiastes seems to conclude - 'Fear God and obey Him for this is your duty'.

My only taste of meaning can come from God and that too by obeying Him dutifully as a response to His Fearsomeness. So that brings us to the word - PURPOSE. I suppose you can take the previous sentence and substitute the word meaning with the word purpose and it would still make sense.

That said, it's possible to hunger after purpose without hungering after God. Most people seem to be living a life of purpose or with a full confidence of their purpose without God.

Coming back to my experience - which I don't think lacks purpose but that's not the point. I'm fine with the idea that God uses everything but why this experience? I don't think it's for me to conclude that a life without God is pointless - I already know that which is why I stick up for the idea of an eternal and present life with God.

Why do we have to find our lives and existences frustrating and meaningless? It seems like everything else in life is being frustrated so that there is more within us to receive God. Quite possibly, that's the only hope keeping me going. That there is more of God to come. More space for Him in my life. I'm not quite there yet but I'm on the narrow way.

Will Rest For Free(dom)

2011-02-18T19:42:00.004+05:30

"I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts."
Psalm 119:45 (NIV)

Before you believe otherwise by the end of this post, I'd like to clarify that I really care about the church, God's people. I've practically been raised by the church. That said, the past year has helped me realize that I struggle with a church-life balance sometimes.

There are 2 problems with that statement:

1. I said church-life and not work-life: somewhere down last year my work got displaced by church work

2. There's no such thing as church-life imbalance - because we don't admit it exists when it does

I don't have problems with the statement. Here I'll even write it again: I struggle with a church-life balance.

Let me explain what I mean in simple terms. It means I over-volunteer and feel over-whelmed. I book my weekends for church activities with church people. I spend my weekdays with people from work (who also go to the same church as I do) and that means I rarely get away from church. The same is true of you if you work for the church or are an active volunteer. Or even if you are in ministry.

I've learned this the very hard and pretty unnecessary way.

“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy." Exodus 20:8

The Bible is clear about resting. You have to spend a day away from 'work' and spend it in 'worship'. Work is not worship - unlike a common Indian axiom. Work (even church work) allows you to fulfill God's purpose for your life but it cannot and should not take God's place.

“You shall have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3

But work - including church work - makes us feel important and useful and contributive. That's a good thing because God designs work for our good. And He designs us for good work..

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

How do you prioritize? I think prayer helps me align better with God's purposes. Which could mean getting rid of the good activities and doing what's best with a healthy dependence on God.

I've been reading 'Praise Habit - Finding God in Sunsets & Sushi' by David Crowder (Yes the *Band guy) which is a collection of his reflections of some of the Psalms. He ends with a quote:

As Israel (and the world) is obedient to the torah, it becomes free for praise, which is its proper vocation, destiny, and purpose. In this light the expectation of the Old Testament is not finally obedience, but adoration. The Psalter intends to lead and nurture people to such freedom that finds its proper life in happy communion that knows no restraint of convention or propriety. That is the hope for Israel and for all creation.

I'm sharing this because it's been true for me. I quit doing unnecessary work at work and unnecessary work at church (by this I mean there's someone out there who can now fill my vacant place meaningfully) and it's made all the difference! I'm less emotionally strung out and look partially healthier (I looked terribly ill for most of last year as I tried to cram in everything and make everyone happy). I am also less likely to just mouth lyrics during a service and sing happily with lightness (the way I sang in Sunday School as a kid) with a feeling of real freedom.

People don't get it. I don't expect them to. I don't attend every church event or volunteer as part of any specific team right now. However, I am now able to freely counsel (something I dreaded in the past) and write this blog. I'm focusing on my work at office and it's paying off (literally too!). Honestly, I haven't felt this alive to God in a long time. I'm beginning to appreciate the words of Jesus in John 10:10 (The Message)

A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.

I'm not recommending that everyone quit volunteering at church or doing ministry. I'm saying - figure out where exactly you are meant to be and stay there as long as you need to. If you are meant to move - move out and do what you are supposed to do next. Don't do everything all at once without doing anything properly.

I am recommending a day be set aside just for worship. Not to be legalistic about this (Jesus also said 'The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.' Mark 2:27) but to understand verses like

Galatians 5:1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

I can either be burdened with God's yoke or I can be burdened with a yoke of slavery (even doing church work in a heartless manner without a sense of God's purpose).

I'm not sure about you - but this sort of thing is totally radical for me. Absolutely counter culture. I do get weekends off but they get booked way before they even start. I've looked at months altogether knowing I'm not going to have to decide what to do each day because it's all set out. Everyone and everything demands time and attention - usually screaming 'URGENT' when really there's very few things in life that warrant that word. I get emails with subject lines that start with 'URGENT' like they are a matter of life and death. I do NOT work in a hospital and they have waiting rooms even there because sometimes even in situations of life and death there is a time of waiting.

"You often hear or encounter inspirational art convincing you to live as if today is the last, to engage each moment as if it were all we had, but usually this is married to the idea that it is. That this is it. There is nothing more than now. All we get is what we suck out of this moment. But I disagree. I read, "You are Here," and I am equally inspired to be fully present in this moment, but it is not because this is all I have but because I am bringing something more. I am bringing the very kingdom of God."

"We are to be rescue. We are to be redemption. We are to carry the story of God to the ones waiting. To the ones with their hands on their chest, begging you to notice that things aren't right. And this is praise. You are the note sounding in a thousand different rooms."

David Crowder

Acceptance

2011-02-15T20:09:00.009+05:30

Jesus, unlike many in his contemporary world, showed extraordinary kindness and care to women—even women of questionable character. He was often criticized for this by the religious of his day. But he welcomed women into his community of disciples just the same.

-quoted from here.

It means a lot to be accepted as you are. I heard today about a not uncommon story of a girl child who was abandoned and brought to a local police station. I'm not sure how her story is going to end but it's not an unusual story in India. Girls are aborted regularly in India.

I hope you didn't read that line too soon.

Girls. Are. Aborted. Regularly. In. India.

It happens to be a problem. How do you solve it? How do you resolve it?

Now I think it comes down to the kind of problem it is. Math problems are solved mathematically. Physics problems are not solved physically. Mental problems are not solved mentally either.

I used to think education or politics had a large influence over such matters. I thought such problems existed because of ignorance and the inability of a legal or political system to manage such aberrations.

Now I'm quite sure it's a spiritual problem. It's always been a spiritual problem. You really need to be dissociated from a Creator God to be able to get to a point of murdering someone over a gender whim.

Jesus treats women like they are meant to be treated. Not as subordinates, sex objects, or subjects but as persons created in a divine image.

Even the adulterous woman whom he forgave (the law required that her partner be brought out too but that was conveniently forgotten before they planned to stone her) must've been left surprised.

Surprised to be left alive. And so I suppose, as a woman living in India, I'm surprised to be left alive too. I just happen to be born in a 'right' home as opposed to a 'wrong' home.

The issue is a moral one. The answer is a moral person - Jesus.

Vulnerability

2011-02-12T20:57:00.005+05:30

I'm beginning to see the beautiful side of vulnerability. The more I look at Jesus, the more I realize it's important to be vulnerable, by which I mean -

a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

b. Susceptible to attack

c. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

I don't mean the other definitions:

a. Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

b. Games In a position to receive greater penalties or bonuses in a hand of bridge. In a rubber, used of the pair of players who score 100 points toward game.

Jesus was vulnerable in the first 3 ways of looking at the word and not the last 2. I think part of being His disciple is a willingness to be like Him in the same way.

While there are many ways to consider exactly how this might play out in life, I'm beginning to see that in the area of relationships it's important to be vulnerable. That means, it's important

1. To live and open up your life in a way that may leave you hurt or misunderstood by someone you love (God did that through Jesus).

2. To walk amongst people who are out to get you by the throat because of the way you live or preach (Jesus was always under attack by the Pharisees and Sadducees but he didn't flip out).

3. To embrace censure because of your faith. Jesus allowed himself to be dragged and placed before a Sanhedrin and be sentenced to a torturous death (taking criticism well would be an understatement).

Personally, I've probably fit in more with the last couple of definitions better. More easy to get tempted or persuaded into doing something foolish (while thinking the exact opposite of myself in my head). I've never wanted to get close enough to someone in case the encounter hurt me (even God though I didn't know it at the time). I'd rather avoid the people who don't like or criticize me (not for my faith or anything but just generally, even if I probably deserve it).

But Jesus...

is teaching me. If I'm to walk with Him then I'm to walk like Him. In the midst of hurt people who hurt people. In the midst of hatred. In the midst of censure. Not for the sake of me but for the sake of Him.

Alone, it would be impossible. But with God....

this seems possible. Jesus promises that His yoke will be lighter. The fear of vulnerability must make a heavier yoke than the joy of vulnerability. I think as I begin to trust Him by being more vulnerable, I might further glimpse and share His joy.

Rediscovering Praise

2011-02-12T00:30:00.003+05:30

I've been reading Praise Habit -Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi (David Crowder) and learning to take a deeper look at some of the Psalms.

"I would be so bold as to say eating barbecue and wearing the sauce on your fingers and face and a grin as big as Texas with the knowledge that Caps Lock GOD is at the center of this can be truer praise than belting this "song ritual" that we have elevated to dangerous heights.

According to this psalm (50), even the simplicity of calling out to Him in times of trouble is considered the truer sacrifice. How surprising is that? And how easy? Higher than our ritual is the simple acknowledgment that, in truth, He is what we need. We, like the Israelites, often find rescue in the burnt offering and not in the GOD who is the source of all. We find comfort in the song and not the Comforter. It is a subtle but necessary shift. It is more difficult to find the Creator in a barbecue sandwich than in your favorite Sunday-morning song, but when you do, when you begin to find Him in all the stuff of life, everything starts singing. Every moment breaks into song. Every breath becomes sacrifice, and the songs become sweetness. This is living praise."

I've never thought of calling out to GOD as praise before. I've always thought of that as desperation. I'm not the typical church worshipper - I don't always raise my hands or my voice. I don't always follow a worship leader. I don't know the lyrics by heart and sometimes I forget the tune of a modern worship song. I cannot respond to music on cue.

I love music. If there's a song playing in the background; I'm paying attention. I do respond to music in my own way. I respond to God in my own way and music stays in the background. No matter how loud the music, I do my best to make it stay in the background so God can take centre stage. I don't want to be swayed by music on a Sunday morning - I can do that the rest of the week anywhere I want (I listen to music while I work too). I want time out with God with His people. The songs only make it slightly sweeter.

I've reached a point in my life when I tend to call out to God sooner than later. Sometimes that means I cannot wait for a song to end. It means I have to stop and pray before attempting to mouth the next word.

As much as I love singing praise songs, I'd much rather live with a constant awareness of God rather than search for Him in a hymn.

Christian Fellowship

2011-02-08T23:37:00.002+05:30

I had to take the study for our life group (cell group, home group, etc.) today. I signed up to do this yesterday. I was taking the day off so I felt I'd have the mind space to think of something to do but nothing came. No inspiration. I started reading 'Praise Habit' by David Crowder. Still no inspiration.

I prayed asking God for direction. I decided to go with 'Christian Fellowship' eventually. Our group has been meeting for a few years now. We've dealt with a lot individually and we've dealt each other some blows as well. I wasn't sure how people would respond.

Initially, it was difficult to get the discussion going but soon people jumped in. Obviously, a life group that met regularly had a lot to say on the subject of Christian fellowship. They all laughed at the part where I mentioned the Bible explicitly mentions not having fellowship with demons. By the end of it, I felt everyone was adequately engaged by the theme.

But the beauty of it was the one long moment I spent with 12 people around me after we'd all eaten dinner together around a v. small table. We went to a pretty small restaurant so our elbows were practically in each other's plates but that's how we chose to sit in spite of other faraway tables. We ate food like a family (we do it often but this felt different). For a while, I just let the sounds of laughter and familiar voices sink in. It was a holy moment.

We were 13 of us totally. I imagine that's what it must've been like to be at supper with Jesus (if you were one of the 12). I'm not sure everyone got along all the time. They argued in front of Him. They mostly got in his way but He didn't give up on them. He shared Deity with them when they least deserved it.

I thought I was going to teach the group about 'authentic Christian fellowship' but I think God taught me how it works in real life. How it works when He's the reason for it all.

The Cost of Discipleship

2011-02-05T15:56:00.002+05:30

I'm reading 'The Cost of Discipleship' at the moment. I'm going to have to re-read it. I'm going through it pretty quickly at the moment knowing I'm going to have to revisit it soon because I'm not sure I'm getting everything with my current pace.

I've also started reading '66 love letters' which is strangely easier to understand but which I'm willing to read really slowly.

Feel free to comment if you've read any of these books and what you've thought of them.

John 15

2011-01-30T21:48:00.002+05:30

John 15 has been fairly special to me - though I'd read it several times before it started making a lot of sense only recently. 'Apart from me, you can do nothing'. My grandmother highlighted that often enough but I'm beginning to realize why. A lot of what I do or am as a Christian is just a response to the relationship I have with God. Obviously, a breakdown in the relationship shows up in how I treat people and in the way I approach life in general.

Today's sermon focused on intimacy with God being the reason why we are able to do what we're supposed to do. It's not a new sermon. I've heard it before, figured it out through experience. However, it's one of those simple things you always need to hear - because during different seasons - you need to grow and then the regular amount of time you spend in the pursuit of God is not enough. You are hungrier, thirstier and ironically possibly less likely to pay attention since you are probably overworking and under-praying. This has been increasingly true for me.

Difficult as it seems right now, I'm hoping to start spending more time quietly before God before venturing out into the world to do anything.

Communicating my miscommunications

2011-01-04T19:34:00.000+05:30

There's an auto response you'll never hear. It's what I've been subtly communicating against my best intentions.

I thought it's time to make a public apology to everyone who has tried to get in touch over the phone with me. I've been very frustrating and I apologize. Not just friends but co-workers too and just yesterday my boss had to tell me - 'keep your phone on you.' I said, I'll try, noncommittally because really I don't know if I'll be able to get this right overnight. It's not simple. But I feel I should literally be let off the hook and this explanation ought to help you understand me better.

The reasons I don't answer my phone:

1. Telemarketers - I'm really really tired of them. I've stopped picking up numbers that I cannot recognize though if the hour is random enough, I just might answer. The odds are in favour of the former however.

2. Giri Raju - now this guy owned my number over 5 years ago. None of the people who try to offer him customer service have gotten any wiser since then so I have to put up with his calls which I'm tired of. If I were smarter, I would have changed my number a long time ago but I didn't and I like to keep a number and optimistically believe that one day these calls will stop.

3. I very rarely carry my phone everywhere - especially at work. I won't carry it to lunch or breakfast or meetings since I don't think I'll answer it anyway.

4. I don't take calls when I'm talking to people - unless it's someone in my family calling, I will not pick up a phone call because I think it's v. rude to put an actual person on hold to talk to someone else. I hate the intrusion and the interruption it causes to the flow of a conversation so I don't pick up or cut the call and make a mental note to call back later. I forget or think it's too late. My bad, I know.

5. Use cases for my phone:

1. To Call
2. To Message
3. To set a wake-up Alarm
4. To Charge
5. To get online

If I'm not doing one of these things, then I'm rarely looking at the thing or even hearing it since it's in the silent mode for 3/4 of my day. Sometimes I forget to even put it on silent but I'm better at that now.

6. Saturday is the best day for any real conversations. That's the only day I think that I actually talk to people who have been trying to reach me through the week. I don't expect anyone to try to remember this and aim to call on a Saturday because that would just be plain arrogant :) I'm just saying this is a trend I've noticed and largely has to do with the feeling of being free.

7. I actually believe that if it's something really important, I will be sought out irrespective of whether I'm carrying my cellphone. My family knows how to reach me most times and the people who really need to get in touch also know my home phone number. Also, I figure they would text message if it's urgent.

8. I leave my phone behind in tons of places - I've left it at work, in cars, at friend's homes and even soaked it in oil. But I have NEVER lost a phone yet. I have only had 2 and I've got them both with me.

That's it really. I'm just more of an internet person. I respond in seconds to almost anything unless I'm asleep. That's where I'm headed - I've probably said - I'll see you online to most people because that's where I usually manage all my communication. Sometimes though, I treat my laptop like I treat my cell phone but not as irreverently maybe.

Confession is the first step towards dealing with something so hopefully I'll get better with my cellphone. Let's see. Meanwhile, please talk to me :)

True Colours Personality Assessment

2010-11-18T20:21:00.002+05:30

We worked out our 'true colours' at work using this test. My colors are green, blue, orange and gold - for now. While I'm mostly green, I'm also fairly blue so I am describing that side too so you get a more rounded idea of my current personality! I think our personalities evolve and change so this is time-sensitive data :)

This is how 'Green' people are. I got a card that goes like this:

I seek knowledge and understanding. [Analytical, Global, Conceptual]

I live life by my own standard. [Cool, Calm, Collected]

I need explanations and answers. [Inventive, Logical, Perfectionist]

I value intelligence, insight, fairness and justice. [Abstract, Hypothetical, Investigative]

I am a natural non-conformist, a visionary, and a problem solver.

At work, I am conceptual and an independent thinker. For me, work is play. I am drawn to constant challenges in careers, and like to develop models, explore ideas, or build systems to satisfy my need to deal with the innovative. Once I have perfected an idea, I prefer to move on, leaving the project to be maintained and supported by others.

In love, I prefer to let my head rule my heart. I dislike repetition, so it is difficult for me to continuously express feelings. I believe that once feelings are stated, they are obvious to a partner [which is why I hesitate to state them!]. I am uneasy when my emotions control me. I want to establish a relationship, leave it to maintain itself, and turn back to my career.

In my childhood, I appeared to be older than my years. I was focused on my greatest interests, and achieved more in subjects that were mentally stimulating. I was impatient with drill and routine. I questioned authority, and found it necessary to respect teachers before I could learn from them.

This is how 'Blue' people are:

I need to feel unique and authentic. [Enthusiastic, Sympathetic, Personal]

I look for meaning and significance in life. [Warm, Communicative, Compassionate]

I need to contribute, to encourage, and to care. [Idealistic, Spiritual, Sincere]

I value integrity and unity in relationships. [Peaceful, Flexible, Imaginative]

I am a natural romantic, a poet, and a nurturer.

At work, I have a strong desire to influence others so they lead more significant lives. I often work in the arts, communications, education, and the helping professions. I am adept at motivating and interacting with others.

In love, I seek harmonious relationships and believe in true love. I am romantic, and cherish the small gestures of love. I am affectionate, supportive, and a good listener. I enjoy doing thoughtful things for others. I bring drama, warmth and empathy to relationships.

[This part is the least like me I think!]

In my childhood, I was imaginative and creative. I flourished with encouragement rather than competition., and wanted others to like me. I reacted with great sensitivity to discordance or rejection and sought recognition. I responded best to my teachers who were warm and friendly.

The Morbid Post

2010-11-15T20:06:00.002+05:30

I had another brush with death. I thought I was going to die. High up in the sky with not much else to get by, I really did think I was going to die. Actually, considering I'm alive, it's easy to look back and laugh each time I hear my mother tell this story (and it gets more dramatic with each telling - my mother is one of the best story tellers but that's a different story...)

Every man dies. Not every man really lives.
William Ross Wallace

That sort of sums up the thoughts that were running through my head as we were sitting tight in a Jet Airways flight hoping that we'd land safe in-spite of the cyclonic storm that was brewing outside our quite-open window shades. I wondered how many people would've taken note of the safety demonstration if they knew that we'd reach Chennai but not be able to land because of bad weather. Not that the (over) confident pilot didn't try. He mentioned having enough fuel to last another 45 minutes but didn't want to divert to another city (like the previous 7 aircraft that smartly went with that survival option). He decided to land. And failed. When you cannot make an aircraft land - it makes people on a flight very tense. The crew were tense. The lady next to me could not hold back her nervous tears. This was it.

We were not going down!

So we cruised at an altitude of 10,000 feet. Fuel diminishing, we were wondering what happens when the pilot tried to land the second time. How many retries does he get before we are out of fuel. What happens when we are out of fuel? The cabin was eerily quiet.

The voice in my head was not quiet! I did a quick recap of 'Jessie's life' - 25 years spanning all the adventures I've had with myself! Very little that I'd have done differently. Hardly any regret. Still have some dreams that are alive though they have no reason to be (really they are the best variety out there in my opinion).

I wondered at the sheer grace of even being alive - I've bordered on near-death mentally several times before this. All of this was super comforting. I can leave in peace (even now). Maybe because someone I love promises me that 'perfect love casts out fear' and that includes the fear of dying.

No stress, only grace.

I did actually consider the possibility of not making it. Not that all hope had died - I was fairly confident that the pilot could possibly make it the second time around (not that there was much choice anyway!). I just felt it more comfortable to deal with the worst and have it dealt with mentally. Strangely, I felt at peace.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill

After all, I rationalized. We all have to die. Some of us due to over-confident pilots. Also I needed the sleep.

We did not crash. We landed disgracefully. I'm not sure with the amount of visibility the pilot had - he could've managed it. He did - thank God!

In a surprise that has a God-seal all over it, I met someone at the airport. An old mate from Sydney :) We were on the same connecting flight to Hyderabad and we took off in bad weather seated together chatting as if the storm outside didn't exist.

“May God give you...For every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer.”
Irish Blessings

Malay Stories

2010-11-06T08:22:00.002+05:30

I'm going to Malaysia to try and win a million dollars... how exciting is that?
Colleen Haskell

By some unforeseen twist of events, I've landed up in Malaysia for a week. My sister has been sent here on a short work assignment and it seemed like an answer to a prayer when she asked me to come over and spend some time with her. We spent almost a week together and it's been good fun.

I got in last Saturday and almost immediately launched into tourist mode. I was taken to the KL bird park and then to China town. The bird park is fairly similar to the Singapore bird park but I enjoyed this one more for some reason. It poured suddenly and then stopped raining just as suddenly (I was prepared for this and was carrying an umbrella. What I forgot to bring this time was my handbag - I brought my laptop bag along but you can't really take that with you everywhere - so the tradition of forgetting one essential item every trip remains intact.) For lunch, I tried some chicken and lemon sauce type thingy with rice. It was pretty yum. I've been looking for a yum-cha place but haven't seen one yet. (Maybe it's not called yum-cha in Malaysia?!) China town at night is crazy! Endless rows of stores selling the same stuff which after a while (a sleepless night on a flight and a tiring day of sightseeing) can give you a headache. I couldn't wait to close my eyes and fall asleep once I got back to the apartment.

Day 2 also involved a ton of shopping. We went to the Central Market and then to KLCC and saw the Petronas towers. We walked around the park for a bit too. After a bit more shopping, we came home. Afterwards we went to the Mid-Valley mall and hung out there for a bit. We had dinner at Nandos which was yummy!

On Monday, I took off on my own and went back to see the Planetarium (unfortunately it was shut!). I also went to the Butterfly Park and spent an hour chasing butterflies for good shots. I got some pretty nice ones. I went to KLCC and checked out the mall properly to see what sort of stuff there was since I didn't get a good look the previous day. Took the LRT back and chilled in the apartment.

On Tuesday, I went back to Central Market to look for souvenirs and gifts for folks. Managed to find a couple of miniature tea sets and little wooden display shelves for them. I also found cute wooden table sets which I bought - also for display purposes. Can't wait to get home and set up all my tea sets! I've got quite a collection now - so have run out of space for all of them. Some I've not even taken out of boxes for the same reason. Still now I have sets from the US (where I got my first set on my 10th birthday), Thailand, Australia, Singapore, Malaysia and India. I think I have nearly 12 sets :) Bargaining with the Chinese lady in the store was tough. I let her win because I wanted all the stuff so bad and she could see it!

One of the best days of this trip involved going to the Forest Research Institute of Malaysia (FRIM) on the advice of a friend. Though it's an institute, it's also a home to a small forest and several species of pretty old trees. They have a few trails that run through these forests which makes for an interesting hike. I thoroughly enjoyed the couple of trails that I tried out. Nothing too adventurous but just about right for someone who doesn't get to hike too much. I ended up at the quaint but charming Malay Tea House and drank a brew called 'Cat's Whiskers' which was served cool with honey and mint and was delicious! I sat on the porch soaking in the quietness and the light sounds of music that floated softly in the background. I could've sat there for an hour but I had a fair amount of walking to do before finding my way out of the Institute. I walked around watching campus life around my unfold in its usual ways. Kids on bikes playing after they'd returned from school on the school bus. I think I'll always like the idea of living on a campus. The sense of community and commonality of purpose seem like the right design for living.

We woke up really early on Thursday to head to the Petronas towers to do the touristy thing and head inside for a tour of the skybridge. We were beaten by several tourists as there was a pretty long queue by the time we got there. However, we did manage to make it up to the tower fairly early in the morning and were done by 10. 30 after which we headed to Bukit Bintang to the Sungei Wang mall (which is where the locals shop!) I spent a few more hours just looking at shops, trying out different clothes and then getting tired of looking at different floors sporting mostly the same sort of stuff, I got home and went down to see the gym and pool. The deck chair by the pool is now my favourite spot to chill out by myself in the evening (not too many people seem keen on using the very lovely pool so it's perfect to just rest and enjoy the somewhat cool evening). I sat there in the evening and saw some fireworks - not as many as I thought I'd see. It was fairly quiet and peaceful overall - a nice Diwali for a change.

I'm heading out for lunch today and then possibly just pack and rest by the pool. I head out early morning tomorrow so need to make sure everything is in shape before that.

-----

On a side note: I know I've not been very good at posting this year. It's been full of the stuff that I don't really want to talk about which is why I've been quiet. But I intend to write more since I've really missed it. And though I'm not ready to commit to writing a book, I'm still fairly committed to sharing a part of the goings on of my life through this blog. Thanks for stopping by :)

Living without a Plan...

2010-05-03T17:04:00.003+05:30

is exciting, invigorating and so stress-free. The absolute freedom from trying to control things to turn our in a particular way is so liberating. If you know me well, I'm a planner. I love organizing..maybe even controlling things and watching something perfect emerge. I've realized though for a while, how sometimes even when things go according to plan, you may never really be satisfied with what you end up with. Then you wonder, what was the point? For a while now, I've taken to doing my bit and leaving the rest up to the Big Man up there. I've also been blessed to watch something beautiful emerge as a result :)

I've turned 25 and I could not have done it graciously without my friends and family. They made it such a love-filled memorable day. I think everyone ought to wake up on their birthdays (or even every day really) and feel smacked in their faces by pure love.

There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder. ~Charles Morgan

The midnight surprise trend continued and like every previous year, I have actually been surprised by what unfolds. I was up watching a movie at midnight, expecting a few calls and hoping to sleep well into the night. I got a ton of calls, which was very nice. All the friends I'd invited to dinner the next day called me at 12. The problem was, they all called at the same time. So for about 10 minutes, I just tried talking to them all one after another. Then, a few minutes later, I heard the strumming of a guitar and opened the door to a lot of faces. There was a yummy chocolate cake baked by a friend (isn't that the best kind there is?) and candles that wouldn't go out, gifts, music, laughter and friendly conversation. I then spoke to and prayed with a close friend into the wee hours of the morning over the phone.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
Khalil Gibran

The rest of the day was filled with conversations over the phone. I went out for lunch with mum and then watched 'How to train your dragon' in a 3d version. I haven't hung out with her since New Years so it was really nice just to do something light hearted and fun.

The plan was to meet the gang at the Hard Rock Cafe for dinner. Initially, it seemed like we were too tired from last night, too busy with other things to be able to pull this off properly. But once we got there and everyone showed up, it was pretty good fun with really yummy food, drinks, more gifts, funny conversations and pictures. We then went home and played a lot of catchphrase which resulted in broken furniture and a lot of laughter.

I didn't plan much of it. Just the dinner with AP. It just turned into something beautifully unplanned.

My Quarter-Life Crisis Status

2010-04-29T21:13:00.003+05:30

'It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life; You feel alone and scared and confused; Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better; All this while you had been convincing yourself that you didn't want to be tied down to any person; Now suddenly you have moments of self-doubt when you wonder if you waited too long and let someone special get away. You love someone but maybe love someone else too, and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person! Random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic;

You want to be independent but suddenly, the idea of having the stability of a special someone to trust and lean on doesn't seem all that bad. You want to be your own person and yet be taken care of at the same time.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.'

There is a reason this is the first post of this year. I have felt completely incapable of writing anything decent and written myself off as being able to conceive of anything truly original or worth writing about. Welcome to my quarter life crisis - I'm turning 25 tomorrow so I feel right to let you in on my insecurities which are 'a rite of passage'.

Rather than take a 20-question questionnaire that finally tells me that I am indeed going through a quarter-life crisis, I found this interesting quote which I think is worth examining. It's kind of long but it suited my purposes best. After all, now that this is welling up, why stop the gush!

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like.

I cannot think of any other time in my life that it has actually bothered me that I cannot cook anything but ready-to-eat food. Should I have studied home economics instead of C++? If I have children in the future, will they complain about this fact to their friends and end up eating at my neighbour's home? (I have concocted 100 other hypothetical scenarios that conveniently drive me mad at any random point of the day.) Coming to the hypothetical neighbour - I highly doubt I can afford real estate in Hyderabad! Not to mention the hypothetical children who I assumed I'd have by 23 (though I thought I'd get married only at 28! Obviously both these ages just seemed so un-reachable that it didn't matter which came first).

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

My strategy to combat this is living a day at a time. I try not to commit to things in an attempt to manage the uncertainty. The problem is I'm also trying to set myself up for the 'rest of my life' in these daily doses of living which is where the unraveling begins...

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

I wouldn't say that people are 'selfish' it's just that they have 'a life' that entitles them to exclude me :) Rather unfortunately, and through no known fault of my own, I have lost touch with one important friend. I realize this every time I have watched a movie that I want to talk about with that person.

What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

And maybe this is why I choose to forgive that friend.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

Yup working at Google is not something I remotely conceived of even in my better moments when I felt worthy of employment at 19. 5 years later - I could possibly join Facebook but yes I would possibly have to start at the bottom :)

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

College was definitely a comfortable space. All my memories of Bangalore are comforting ones. I have to admit though, apart from a few folks who've made the effort to bridge the gap, I've not thought of picking up the phone and calling anyone from back then.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life; You feel alone and scared and confused; Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

All true statements except I don't remember crying a whole lot.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better; All this while you had been convincing yourself that you didn't want to be tied down to any person; Now suddenly you have moments of self-doubt when you wonder if you waited too long and let someone special get away. You love someone but maybe love someone else too, and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person! Random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic;

Thankfully I got saved in time from this one. One lecture while visiting the Taj Mahal made me realize that I can choose life-long solitude or life-long relationships. Solitude had seemed so beautiful till this colleague attempted to 'bring me back to reality.' I'm so grateful because I watch the other confused folks and smirk inwardly. Apparently oneupmanship is very comforting in this particular area. At the moment of enlightenment, I did doubt that I had possibly waited too long but a careful examination of my choices negates that. I have never been seriously in love. Now that's a good thing and a bad thing but on most days it's a pretty good thing. Random hook ups always looked cheap so overall a lot of unnecessary grief and time has been spared.

You want to be independent but suddenly, the idea of having the stability of a special someone to trust and lean on doesn't seem all that bad. You want to be your own person and yet be taken care of at the same time.

So yes, marriage is no longer a 'terrible' idea (yes I do realize I'm quoting myself on my blog which is a little lame but so is this crisis).

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

Should I write the GMAT? Go to business school at some point? Go to Bible school at some point?

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.'

Do I want to end up paying off debt for the rest of my life? Exactly what amount of debt can I handle without breaking into a sweat?

So yes, all these thoughts are part of who I am now. Apparently, this is not going to last. All the research I've read informs me that there's a glorious mid-life crisis waiting if I haven't managed to successfully resolve this one. Which of course, is exactly what I want to hear. That there still are far off distant things that will never really bother me anytime soon.

In keeping with old traditions

2009-12-27T20:15:00.007+05:30

I think I'm going to continue to keep my own tradition of writing one post about what the past year was really like. The words that I'd use to describe this year are: work, weddings, camp, faith, US family trip, worship team, alpha, December madness, YSR and uncertainty.

Work: I don't think I've ever done as much as I managed this year. The first quarter itself involved a whole lot of training that I had to manage single-handedly. Having done it for two years, I'm moving out of it and into the uncharted territory of sales. The year ahead looks promising and I'm really looking forward to having a team after nearly two years of working mostly alone.

In the middle of the chaos of the first quarter at work, my aunt from Canada, Aunty Leela visited us for a while and we had some great times shopping and laughing together. She's coming back again this year and it will be fun catching up after a year.

Weddings: Many of the kids I grew up with are getting married :) Attended several nice weddings through the year and the year ahead looks like there will be more to attend. Looking forward to each one of them ;)

Camp: was at Nilshi, a little village far away from Pune where thankfully your cell phones don't really work. It's one of the few times I remember coming up out of the chaos to breathe in some fresh air with friends and God making it really special.

My previous holiday in Ooty with my brother and nephews turned out well till I realized my mom was hospitalized the whole while and she didn't let me find out since I really needed the holiday after my crazy work schedule. We spent Easter in a hospital but it was fine since we both had friends from church visit and call us. I've realized my mom finds spending time in the hospital as a sort of a vacation!

Faith: I think this was one of the years where I grew the most spiritually. Possibly because I was able to commit to various things that I had been running away from mostly. Still, I think several other decisions and encounters (some riskier than I thought they'd be) have led me back to the assurance that irrespective of how things turn out, God is alive and working in and through the world.

USA family trip: In August, I spent 3 weeks visiting relatives in California and New York. My aunt had some time off and asked if I wanted to come visit and I decided to go even if it was for a short while. Managed to spend a whole week in San Diego and went sightseeing to San Francisco and Oxnard where I met up with my uncle. It was really nice to come back after 14 years and meet some of the people I'd met on my previous trip. I also managed to visit the Google campus in Mountain View for the first time! My week in New York was mostly spent with cousins whom I hadn't seen in years. Though unplanned, in many ways, this trip also allowed me to take a break and travel when I least expected to.

Worship team: After years, I decided to join the worship team and start singing again. I was avoiding it for over a year coming up with various excuses. I stopped singing once I moved to Bangalore though I did sing in the college choir. Joining the worship team has again allowed me to revisit my traditional anglican ideas of worship. Having lights in my face and holding a mike are all new experiences and I'm slowly allowing myself to get comfortable and honest with the idea of something new and challenging.

We went through a rough patch as a team when Abel, our 23 year old drummer and guitarist passed away in an accident. Some of us were able to attend the funeral service and burial and others the memorial service. We all mourned him into the wee hours of the morning, the night he met with an accident. We first got to know him at camp and he was a friendly, talented guy with immense enthusiasm and energy. My memories of him start and end with him asking me to make him tea every time we met for practice. We're all a little changed thanks to his presence in our lives.

Alpha: we've started running alpha in our home group! For years, I've wanted to be able to share the excitement of alpha but it never really materialized till now. Alpha is a systematic examination of the Christian faith and one that really challenges folks to take a long, deep look at it. When I led a small group in my church in Bangalore, the results amazed me. I look forward to seeing some interesting changes in people even though the group is primarily Christian. It's usually a lot more fun if there are atheists or non-believers since they can really challenge the entire group.

December madness: December was a crazy month with my brother and his family visiting to other Christmas activities that included concerts and dinner parties with friends. My home group managed a visit to the same AIDS clinic to spend some time handing out gifts to the children and having a small Christmas party for them. We tried to bake cakes at home and while there were some disasters we managed to pull off the whole thing really well with everyone chipping in. Carol singing till the wee hours was fun too. I only went one night but it was crazy amounts of food, fun and laughter (not to mention singing english-hindi translations of songs and coming up with an accapella group called Happy Celina Diana ;)

YSR and uncertainty: I'm clubbing the two because basically after YSR died AP hasn't quite recovered from the loss and there is a state-wide agitation to divide the state in two separate states. Every other day is a bandh and the outcome of all this is still uncertain. 'Peace on earth' still rings out in the midst of this though on 24th we were witnesses to a mild form of violence at a restaurant down the road from our church. Our church premises was also rented for meetings but we were able to conduct our usual services without much interference.

2009 was different from the other years as it didn't have a standard series of ups and downs but was mostly chaotic, rushed at best and filled with spiritual and emotional challenges. Funnily enough, it still felt short. I'm really, really looking forward to 2010 as it has already set itself to be different with a different set of challenges, uncertainties and plans in the offing. Let's see how it all unfolds...

A World-Changing Christmas Idea - what's yours?

2009-11-20T21:03:00.004+05:30

I saw this and it's part of a larger movement called the Advent Conspiracy which makes complete sense. After all, one of the biggest things we learn from the Christmas story is that God so loved the world that he gave his only Son..

Meanwhile, Christmas is about a month away. What are some of the things we can do this Advent (possibly in Hyderabad) which involves giving - not just money but our time and effort?

The Good Writer's Checklist - Oommen Matthew

2009-11-15T22:50:00.003+05:30

Notes taken from a class (10.07.04) as dictated by one of the most popular teachers in Christ College, Oommen Matthew. Found this sheet after all these years and it contains 10 rules. I can't remember now, but I don't think this was meant to be part of the Bangalore University syllabus :)

"Style is a mode of expression characteristic of an individual."

1. Does your writing have a point or direction?

2. Do you understand every word you are writing?

3. Have you worked out the organisation?

4. Are you using words for direct communication, not to impress the reader?

5. Have you eliminated repetition?

6. Have you avoided cliches/stereotyped words, phrases and expressions?

7. Have you used big words when small ones will do?

8. Do you have sentence variety?

9. Is there a logical sequence to your work?

10. Are your stylistics correct?

If I'm not wrong, Oommen Matthew retired on Dec 18, 2004 and his last class was with the journalism class. I think the date is etched in my head because I didn't make it to that last class since we had gone to Pune to attend Fest-O-Comm. There's something unforgettable about him still.

My Redeemer Lives

2009-11-09T20:15:00.008+05:30

I need to argue my case with God Himself.

I wish for summons for a day in court.

Yet even if I speak, my pain will not reduce,

nor would keeping silent soothe it away.

For if God is my judge, then there must be Another,

a Witness in heaven, with the skill of an Advocate.

For there is a chasm I cannot cross over,

without an Arbitrator,

to say what I fear most,

I need a Mediator.

As my tears speak what I cannot say,

my Friend and Intercessor pleads my case for me.

I know that my Redeemer lives,

and one day He will stand upon the earth.

Even if my body is destroyed, one day,

I know I will see God.

Defenses of Clay

2009-09-14T23:26:00.003+05:30

There is no straight answer to the question ‘Why?’

Why does anything have to go wrong?

Why do people have to die?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why is God hiding like a coward?

Why am I not protected from pain?

Why? Why? Why?

To those that attempt to make sense

and refuse to see the injustice of it all,

God is good all the time.

God is beyond reproach,

so should I stop my approach?

My answers lie with Him,

your lies answer me not.

All I have to say is, ‘Your defenses

are defenses of clay.’

NYC Week

2009-08-22T03:33:00.005+05:30

“They say life's what happens when you're busy making other plans. But sometimes in New York, life is what happens when you're waiting for a table.” - Sara Jessica Parker in Sex and the City

“It couldn't have happened anywhere but in little old New York. O. Henry

Arrived early morning and was dutifully picked by NK, my cousin and official guide to all things NY. He liked to think it was a boot camp that would prepare me for 'the rough life.' It was lovely he walked in 5 minutes before my bag appeared on the carousel since I could not have physically taken my bag off of it. It came with the tag 'heavy.' As soon as we reached the apartment, we headed off for Starbucks for some coffee. We ate Japanese that night which was rather hilarious since I refuse to eat sea f00d or anything but chicken. Unfortunately, NK is a foodie so it was interesting to spend a week eating out with him :) We then went to pianos to watch some underground bands play. I only liked the last one.

Managed to make to St. Patrick's for a Mass with NK. It was my first time in a Catholic cathedral but was pretty neat nonetheless. The building is grandiose and beautiful but I realized later that most churches in NY are like that. This one happens to be located on the famous 5th Avenue. After church, we went on to Central Park to witness SummerStage - a woodstockish festival. It was interesting since it was the 40th Anniversary of Woodstock. Watched three bands play. Two were good. We then had to cut across the park to watch 'The Bachhae by Euripides' but we got lost on the way. Central park at night is really beautiful. Fireflies, trees and water - really soothing after the hot scorching sun we sat under. We got lost in the rambles but made it to the play only a few minutes late. I've never watched a greek tragedy before and this one was pretty well enacted.

On Monday I went in to work for a bit. The NYC office is rather spread out and confusing. I think I would've gotten lost every day for a month so I didn't even try to work things out -just asked people mostly. That night we went to the Empire State Building at midnight. It was lovely and sooo much cooler. NY had plunged into the hottest week in its summer and I was getting sunburned! Really nice views from the top after a lovely dinner at a Korean Barbecue place that was so brilliant that I actually finished my first and last entire meal in this country! I think it had something to do with having the right number of spices and flavours.

Tuesday was a fun day at work since I didn't really have much to do and met an interesting colleague who I ended up having a two-hour conversation with during lunch! It was totally worth coming in just to have had it. Visited an exhibition of Titanic artifacts being held at Times Square. I remember being really fascinated with the story after the movie came out and had read 'A Night to Remember' and another fictious account based on it. On our way back we got stuck in a thunderstorm and ran into a restaurant for dinner. Times Square during a thunder storm is a really crazy place to be. People were running all over the place and for a while there was enough chaos, confusion, bright lights to feel a bit scared.

On Wednesday, I met with another cousin of mine for lunch. We then visited the Metropolitan Museum and spent two hours in a museum that needs a few days of walking around to see all that it has to offer. After that, NK and I went off to broadway to watch 'West Side Story' which is one of my favourites. We got really lucky since we didn't get discount tickets or book in advance. 5 minutes before the show the tickets we got were 50% discounted so we ended up with really good seats.

Yesterday I went on an all-day sightseeing bus trip on the hottest day of the week. My nose is sunburned in spite of all the sunscreen. I got off to catch a ferry that would take me to the Statue of Liberty. Walked around the statue and then caught the next ferry back to the mainland. Went walking down to Wall Street and Ground Zero. Found the Bowling Green bull and several tourists surrounding it! Managed to catch my bus back to Times Square in time to get back home and head out to have dinner with ALL my NY cousins :)

Today, I packed early and headed off to the Guggenheim Museum. Wandered into Barnes and Noble and F.A.O Schwarz before heading to MoMA. There was a massive crowd at MoMA since there is free entry every Friday. It started pouring with rain and the crowds just had to line up outside in the rain. I bought an umbrella and waited and got in soon enough. The museum is rather interesting and rather large so I didn't quite get to see it all. I got to take a fun picture at the photo booth which makes for a nice souvenir.

Northern California Tour and then on to NYC

2009-08-16T02:02:00.007+05:30

Left the Thursday before last to visit my Uncle Babu who lives up in Oxnard. It's nearly a 4 hour drive but we had stuff to be done on the way so it took a good 6 hours to get there. Met the excited doggies, Newton and Kepler, two of the most adorable golden retrievers. Went around to an Irish pub called Dargens for dinner. Ordered a glass of white wine but couldn't drink it since they asked me for ID and of all the times I chose this one not to carry my bag! Spent the evening relaxing and watched 'The Count of Monte Cristo.' Slept in for a bit and took the doggies to the beach.

Left early the next morning on our wonderful coast drive up to San Fransisco. Took the whole day as we stopped at Hearst Castle for a tour and then went on the 17 mile drive and on to Monterey. We had dinner at an Italian place in Monterey. Checked in to our hotels after an exhausting day of driving (and I didn't even do any of it!) Woke up early and drove straight to the Golden Gate Bridge. Had a fun time viewing it from different spots and taking pictures. Then headed down to Fisherman's wharf. Tried to go to Alcatraz but the ferries were booked till the following Sunday! San Fransisco was teeming with tourists like ourselves. After a quick lunch at a local pub we then headed off to catch a trolley. Traveled through all the 45 degree angle streets of San Fran in it. Headed to China town at night for some shopping and dinner.

Visited Mountain View the following day and strolled around the various buildings. Did a bit of shopping and then headed out and arrived at Oxnard after a long drive. Doggies were ecstatic to see us all. Kepler kept trying to lick my face in the night. Didn't quite manage it though he did wake me up twice trying to do that!

Left for San Diego the next day after a bit of shopping around Oxnard. Met with my aunt's friend, an 87 year old lady who drives around LA! I met her 14 years ago during my other visit and remember refusing to have some shrimp cocktail that she had offered me! I remember wanting rice and pickle instead. Funny that memory remained with both of us. Spent a nice long evening chatting with her about all sorts of things. She made me take off my glasses and took a nice, long look at me. She thought I had a nose like Sally Fields :) We went out for a nice long dinner and celebrated her 87th birthday in advance. Saying good bye was hard. It's funny there are some people you walk away from never expecting to meet them again. It's funny even though life proves you wrong you continue to expect the same thing. I don't know if I'll ever see her again but I'm glad I met her once more after all the years.

Spent all of the next day shopping since I hadn't had time to do any. Took forever and was tiring but managed to get everything that everyone wanted! Spent the next day at Balboa Park visiting some of the museums and then my cousin for dinner. We also drove down to Seaport Village and walked around the shops and up the pier for a bit.

Last day was spent on some unfinished shopping and then we headed off to Corvette's Diner, a 50s styled restaurant that seemed like a family favourite. After a short drive around Point Loma we headed off to the airport. Caught my 5-hour flight to NY.

San Diego Day Tour

2009-08-06T12:27:00.003+05:30

Spent the whole day seeing San Diego today. Had brunch at IHOP and then drove to the bay area where we took a harbour cruise. We then rode around in a rickshaw for fun. Drove off to the Coronado island and went over the bridge. The view of the skyline from the bridge was really nice. We then went to the old Hotel del Coronado and had some 'mini moo ice-cream' (nothing mini about it - huge scoops of ice cream!) by the beach. Then drove to the sunset cliffs and walked close to the cliffs by the ocean. Looked at all the oceanfront properties and tried to estimate their price! Saw some rather interestingly designed homes. Drove around the area for a bit and headed home.

Yesterday we were home all day but went out for dinner with the cousins to El Zarapo, a nice mexican restaurant. After that went to 'Heavent Sent' for some yummy desserts.

Tomorrow we head north to visit Uncle Babu and then to San Fransisco and Mountain View. Planning to head back to San Diego next Wednesday. Hopefully, will be able to post pictures and blog when I'm back.

My First Day in San Diego

2009-08-03T11:03:00.003+05:30

I finally reached San Diego after 30 hours of traveling. Started in Hyderabad and took a flight to Doha. Reached Doha and before I could breathe ran to catch a flight to JKF. 13 hours later - found myself in JFK running from one terminal to another and just about catching my connection to San Diego. Was picked up by Rebecca (my cousin) and my aunt and taken home. Of course once I got there, I ate a lot! Had a nice time catching up with Sunder uncle. Stayed up really late and woke up today in the afternoon! Missed church entirely but I'll go next Sunday.

I got to see my cousin Rachel's apartment soon after and had a nice family dinner there. Really nice and relaxed day overall. The only thing is - I forgot to take pictures. Will do that once I'm less zonked. Looking forward to all the sightseeing coming up for the rest of the week. Am hoping to update my blog daily :)

Where did the freedom go?

2009-06-12T11:51:00.004+05:30

I've decided to let you all in a bit more. Down into the corridors of my ever-meandering mind. Keeping this blog updated has been a fair challenge. I find it easier to write about events, trips, book reviews and songs/videos that I like. When I go back in time, I started writing this blog when I was in an 'in-between space.' You can also call it jobless. I had finished college, refused to apply for a Master's program. The only application that went through was my social work at TISS and I'd even forgotten about it. I remember going to at least 5 different schools to get a job. Most people told me I should do something else. They were right. Thanks to an idle browsing moment, somewhere between creating this blog and wasting my time, I clicked on the 'we're hiring' link on Google out of curiosity and nearly 4 years later - here I am - unable to find the time to fulfill the purpose for which this blog was created.

I often encourage others to start blogging by telling that there is a purpose to it. I convinced two people by using frequent examples of my own blogging experiences. But that was not the purpose with which I started..

Why did I start? I had thought about it often enough but my brother gave me the push. I had an audience of one. I got a lot of encouragement from a guy who has a family, runs around the world and cares passionately about bringing healthcare to everyone in India! I needed a little bit of love (as do most of us especially in those despicable 'in-between spaces') and with it I got off the ground.

Then came the fateful day I got a job. :) Life changed and though I longed to be able to write brilliant poetry and witty accounts of a less-then-ordinary life, it never happened. I couldn't find the space to feel inspired and my focus shifted to finding my way in the crazy corporate office space.

Back to the point - Freedom Unlimited was named that because I was a new journalism graduate who wanted to use a medium that was a lot more free than the Indian press. I think ten times before posting something though because my audience is not limited by size or geography. I've had individuals respond humbly when I've not written very nice things about them (minor celebrities ;)) Considering this stands for what I really want to say to a watching world - I always feel the need to be v.v. sure - especially of my own opinions. At the same time, I don't like being defined by them. I realize that's unrealistic and an inescapable truth is - you are defined by what you say, wear, hear, do and write.

If you read a lot of stuff I wrote before September 2005- they tell of different sets of opinions. Riots, street children, war, teaching - some as poems. I miss that kind of writing. I miss having the time to free up mind spaces to write like that. But I'm looking to change that. 4 years later - it might be time to write with the freedom I originally intended to write with.

Camping at Nilshi :)

2009-05-27T19:28:00.008+05:30

It was great that we finally left for camp last Friday (I was pretty much functioning on auto-pilot and my brain was really not co-operating!) The drive up was a little crazy - I don't think I've ever driven on such a ghat road before. I expected it would be like driving up to Kodai or Ooty. It was different! The road was narrow and the surrounding area was mostly desert-shrub like. None of the eucalyptus trees or hair-pin bends that I was expecting were around. I'm glad it was very different. Scenic, surrounded by a lake on three sides and on a hill.

By night, we'd finished one session after a round of worship through song. That's when this place comes alive. Through the day you can see lizards scurrying around - I'm proud to say that they startled me but I was not moved to screaming (a small bug on the face accomplished that for me later in the day).

Lights are out at midnight in this place which runs on solar power mostly. That's when you see them - flickering silently all around. Fireflies. Ok now my excitement over them may sound a bit extreme for some of you, so you can stop now and move on. I thought the sight of fireflies in pitch darkness was one of the most fascinating brilliant things I've ever seen. I spent the next two nights watching them. I could not and still have not gotten over the beauty of just sitting there and watching them. I feel I could do it all night (I stayed up till pretty late the last night doing this!!) I thought it would be rather romantic to walk with someone special through the path watching these creatures light up trees like christmas lights. Like all my other romantic notions, this was soon put to an end. I was stuck walking with four guys who were walking to the other end of the gate to catch cellphone signals and find out the cricket score and whether Hyderabad had beat Bangalore. They spent five minutes savouring the beauty of that night and moved on to stuff like air rifles and other things not worth mentioning really. I was hooked and went back for more, night after night!!

The other thing that made the first night special was singing outdoors with fireflies flitting past us. I forced A to play 'Amazed' and we sang that and it was lovely!

I woke up and caught the sunrise every single morning - the risk of running into snakes, lizards was totally worth taking. The basket ball court was my favourite spot for quiet time and I loved it. I loved sitting right in the middle of a basket ball court and reading my Bible with just sounds of birds in the cool air. The first morning, as I found the trail that leads to the court, I remember exhaling deeply and breathing in the goodness of a morning. Till that point, I was holding my breath and my troubles.

We spent some time at the lake in the afternoon - some went kayaking. I watched and was mostly looping 'Everything glorious' on my ipod.

Stuff that had to happen on the inside, happened silently, moving me to tears. I was seeing, hearing, waiting in a whole different way..

After the next day's sessions, we had some crazy activities involving a certain amount of experiential learning based on what we'd heard the previous day. My team put in amazing amounts of teamwork and won the first event which was to find a rope ladder under a mango tree by the lake without using existing paths or trails. Surely enough, the next event involved climbing that rope ladder. I totally figured a guy from the team would do it. The requirement was that a girl had to do it (v.v. few girls at camp unfortunately!). Now, I've climbed loads of ladders (even at camps to treehouses) but this was hard. I couldn't lift my body up rung by rung with the ladder swaying all over the place. That's when my toes stopped co-operating too :( Turns out if you tear your ligaments - they can come back and make a mess of your attempts to climb a rope ladder five years later! I was escorted off the ladder by A and thankfully the girl who should've gone in the first place went on to climb and jump off the ladder and we won!!! After that was a round of making music with 4 bamboo sticks -only two people allowed. Pretty difficult and we came second. It was all crazy exhausting fun! After this, watched an indo-african football and basketball match - both played on the basket ball court by the guys.

We had a campfire at night and there was a bit of some Caribbean music in the air for some time. Then some wild African dance moves. I stayed for a bit and went off to chase my firefly dream. Was called back for some 'ghost stories' but had to go back to the fireflies. I was up till nearly 2.30 am just listening to my ipod and when I went back to the room I encountered a frog stuck near my door. Very disturbing sight if you've never seen a frog do stuff vertically! Waited till some others came and helped me in!

We left the next evening. Had a lovely morning and a nice walk with K down to the basketball court. We'd taken S out for the same walk the previous evening and we took turns holding him.

Endlessly looped Brooke Fraser albums on the drive back. Ate a burger king burger for dinner. Too yum! Back and all the pain and sleeplessness is hitting me! Had a relaxing day. Back to work tomorrow..

Romance, my idea of it in song

2009-05-27T19:24:00.002+05:30

The Thief - Brooke Fraser

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play

You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us

Taboo and Name Calling

2009-04-17T16:35:00.002+05:30

Rohan, my 9 year old nephew picks up a card. The word - duck. The sand clock is 'ticking' and here's how his team didn't guess the word:

Rohan: Ajay, what was the name you kept calling me?
Ajay: Stupid, idiot, dummy..
Rohan: another word

Rohan (attempting to make it easier by giving a clue): No, you used to call me that in the holidays. When you came home last time?

Ajay: Fool, monkey..
Rohan: another word

and their time was up.

Rohan: Ajay, the word was 'duck.'
Ajay: oh yeah, I have no idea why I even called you that.

Siblings! :)

Taking Kiran Shopping - The Roadmap

2009-04-02T11:25:00.004+05:30

me: yeah

so depending on what you need to buy

we can do some phased shopping

Kiran: hahhaha..thts a term il remember for life

"phased shopping"

me: so phase 1 is identifying shopping budget

Kiran: :)

me: and then obvious tastes

and the right and cheapest place to obtain those

Kiran: hahaha...awesome

your roadmap is chalked out

me: yeah obviously

then phase 2

is planning the trip

and making it most economical

Kiran: ok i thought i was baad

me: ok

then phase 3 is executing the strategies we've identified in phase 1 & 2
that's the hardest but most fun part of the exercise

Kiran: :)

me: :)

Kiran: i have to save this chat

me: phase 4 involves coming home and immediately modeling around in all the stuff you have

and phase 5 is showing off to the world at large how awesome your taste in fabric is

On Loving Your Neighbour & Stopping Domestic Violence

2009-03-05T22:50:00.002+05:30

I'm not sure if it's just me but suddenly all the commercials on tv seem better than the tv shows. Still the ad below managed to stand out. Not that there aren't public service ads on tv (v.v. few though!) but this is probably the first I've ever seen one on domestic violence. Finally! In the ad, it's a man beating up his wife in the privacy of his home and that's a pretty real scenario. Not that men are the only ones capable of violence of the domestic variety. I believe women are equally capable of being violent, usually with children who are weaker than them. The message of the ad is simple. Do whatever but put a stop to violence immediately by intervening. Arm yourself (if possible with other people and cricket bats -- like in the ad) but do it. Save a life and make such behaviour unacceptable! Good message -- great ad.

On a related note, one of Bangalore's most popular bands came out with a really nice song on 'everyday love.' Have a listen..

Finding that Sweet Spot

2009-02-18T22:29:00.003+05:30

That's what life is about. Finding that sweet spot. That balance that keeps things right. I'm reading a book called 'Breakfast with Jesus' at the moment and it's a neat, simple account of Jesus life, promises, and teachings. Each chapter is short and easy to read. I like writing that isn't too pretentious and so far I'm impressed with the style.

Greg Laurie makes a neat point in one of the chapters and I'm in complete agreement with him. It underscores my 'sweet spot' theory.

'Peter liked bathing in divine glory on top of the mountain. He liked associating with famous heroes of the faith. He was all for staying where he was and forgettting any needs waiting at the bottom of the mountain.

We have a tendency to do the same thing, don't we? As the world goes darker, we want to withdraw into our own subculture, concentrate on our own needs and problems, and forget about anyone else. So we enroll our kids in Christian schools and listen to Christian radio as we drive in the car we brought from a Christian dealer to go to a Christian meeting with Christian friends.

Don't get me wrong. I thank God for the many resources and opportunities Christians enjoy today. And I am all for giving some of our business to other believers - but I am also for evangelism! It is vital for people in the world to see what real Christians are like. If they don't see the genuine article in us, their only impression of believers may come from some psycho preacher on TV. How are we going to evangelize those with whom we have no contact? '

He concludes, 'We, like Peter, may want to live continually on the mountaintop. But the Bible tells us the great lessons of life and crucial missions of God await us in the 'valleys of experience.' It's not more 'mountaintop experiences' we need, but more day-to-day obedience that empowers us to walk by faith, not by feeling.'

I relate to this quite a bit as I'm surrounded daily by people that come from different faiths and belief systems. Most of my really close friends have always been 'non-Christians' and I've always found that remarkable. It's only in college and later that I developed some close Christian friendships. Still, I'm surrounded daily by people whose numerous problems and lack of hope make me wonder how the world groans for a Saviour. I'm not really good at evangelizing. I find it hard to give hope but I do make some awkward attempts at it. Mostly I listen and pray for these people. I'm also learning that to be able to help others you have to rely on Christian friends and family apart from God.

It's easy to get caught up in a 'wordly' or 'Christian' zone. I believe both are equally dangerous. Staying involved in either 'zone' for too long will result in some sort of exclusivity. Whatever else you may consider Christianity to be, it was never meant to be exclusive. It's supposed to be welcoming and inclusive. Even the man dying next to Jesus knew he'd be included if he asked to be in the eleventh hour. Even at church we can tend to be more exclusive than inclusive at times. We form cliques that exclude people and make us seem less approachable. While it's important to have a circle, it's still important to get to know the new person who has probably never been to a church before.

I know that in many ways I've not been able to find this sweet spot between these two worlds. It's easy to get jostled and pulled in one direction or the other but I suppose I'll have to figure out what exactly it means to be a 'wordly Christian.'

The Simple Way dot Org

2009-02-09T18:40:00.004+05:30

Snippet written by Shane Claiborne in the latest Delirious? album I got:

The world is a mess. People are dying of obesity, and people are dying of starvation. Some of us are suffering from the LONELINESS OF POVERTY, and others are aching in the LONELINESS OF WEALTH. Too often, Christianity has only offered us life after death while the world is really asking: Is there life before death? We are convinced that Jesus did not just come to prepare us to die but to teach us how to live - here... now. He came to show us the narrow way to life. And that's Good News to all of us who are groaning in the ghettoes of poverty and in the ghettoes of wealth. LET US BE THE MIDWIVES OF ANOTHER WORLD. We are made to live for something bigger than ourselves - this thing we call the Kingdom of God... God's dream for the world. This is the realm where the last are first and first are last, where the poor are blessed and the peacemakers are the children of God. This whole Christian thing is not just about going to heaven after we die, but it is about bringing God's Kingdom to earth. THIS IS THE GOSPEL THAT SHOULD COMFORT THE DISTURBED AND DISTURB THE COMFORTABLE. And that means REVOLUTION. It is a revolution that sets both the oppressed and the oppressors free, a revolution that dances and laughs... a revolution that aches with the world. It is a revolution not just for saints and celebrities, but a revolution of ordinary radicals who live in ways that do not conform to the patterns of this world but are transformed by the renewing of our minds. God give us a fresh imagination. Perhaps the world will call us crazy. But if we are crazy it is because we refuse to be crazy in the same way that the world has gone crazy. And this Gospel of the poor and BROKEN MAY FLY in the face of much of the prosperity preaching that has come to mark Christianity in the West, but this is the Gospel of the baby REFUGEE who was born in the middle of a GENOCIDE, who wandered the world with no place to lay His head, and who was jailed, tortured, and crucified on the cross of the empire in which He lived. May these songs lead us closer to Jesus of Nazereth, where folks said "nothing good could come.' And may these songs lead us to the poor, in whom we will find Christ in his most distressing disguises... among the least of these. In these songs, may you encounter the Jesus who did not just come as a missionary to the poor or as a CHARITABLE PHILANTHROPIST, but who came as one who suffered. HE CAME AS A TROUBLEMAKER AND CREATOR OF HOLY MISCHIEF. He came as a King who ruled with a towel and played in the dirt with kids. It is this Jesus who bids us, dares us... come and follow. SO SIT. DANCE. SHOUT. BUT LISTEN... listen to the One who tells us if we really want to FIND OUR LIFE THEN WE SHOULD GIVE IT AWAY. Listen to the small voice amid all th enoise and clutter, that whispers to us that the best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away. As we read the newspaper in one hand and the Bible in the other, we cannot help but ask: have we even begun to be Christians? Let us begin. Jesus, give us strength to live the things we preach and SING... and give us grace with ourselves and others when we fall short of who we want to be.

If you are still reading, well there's nothing much else to say, is there? I was listening to this album last Sunday and again yesterday and in fact read out these words to someone over the phone. I've not heard a sermon or thoughts around Christianity and poverty summarised this well before. After most of the bomb blasts, I remember praying, in a rather uneloquent way about what God needs to do. I used several sentences about what God can do to mitigate the various circumstances that surround me daily. Then it hit me. In one sentence, if I had to pray it the way Jesus did then the words I needed were: 'Thy Kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven... '

Those words have left my lips so often, it makes me wonder if I ever realized what I was praying for. Of course, you can't just pray about stuff like this, you need to participate. You have to do your bit in making this Glorious Kingdom actually arrive. The wait is over now that I think about it.

Quanta Nostalgia

2009-02-05T13:48:00.005+05:30

Quanta, International Science Fair (Nov 2001) : A brave team of Nasrites went to win the world from Hyderabad to Lucknow (no idea why? We didn't win anything but some hearts here and there). This is a nostalgic post remembering some of the disasters from that trip. In no particular order, stuff I remember (please feel free to add memories!):

1. Day 1: Participants from the world unite to figure out their geeky strategies of how to win this competition. Nasrites go in search of a basketball to play with their useless rules which involve hair-pulling mostly.

2. Silly school teacher accompanying us and embarassing us to no end asks, 'Can the girls play basketball with the boys?' We play BB with the DBS guys from Jamshedpur. Mamta suddenly falls on the court, no boy or ball next to her. Laughs her head off and the boys have no clue what to do with us. Mostly they try not to pass the ball so that they can avoid scenes that include 5 girls trying to grab the ball with their hands from one poor girl.

3. We make friends with the guys from Mayo college Ajmer and I met one of them a few months ago in Bangalore.

4. Our teacher spends most of the trip trying to separate us from aforementioned Mayo college guys.

5. We hang out with the Hungarian guys too. Teacher endlessly embarasses us every time we tried to talk to them.

6. We nearly heckle at all the founder Mr. Gandhi's speeches.

7. I lost my favourite wallet and am still not over it.

8. On the day we went sightseeing, I was sitting on someone's lap in the bus and chewing gum. When the bus driver hit the brakes, the gum flew out of my mouth and on to the hair of the girl in front of me. I cut some of her hair in one of the Lucknow palaces.

9. There was a rat in the room and we saw our teacher stand on her bed in sheer fright.

10. Our teacher wouldn't let us say bye to the Mayo boys so after she went to sleep we went to the outdoor loos (terrace!) and tried to look over a wall by climbing a sink to see if they'd left or not. Yeah I did that and the teacher caught me climbing on to the sink and we made up some nonsense about how it was so that I could feel taller than my friend Mamta. At 12 am I don't think she really heard what I was saying. The moon looked good that night.

11. On Nov 14th -- an elephant was brought into the school and all the foreigners took turns to ride.

12. We lost every single event. We made friends with everyone and our teacher absolutely despised us for it.

13. I got lost in the railway station as I thought I was following a friend but it turned out to be a stranger. Somehow I find my way back to the group and the teacher yells at me for reaching the coach before them!

15. I was there for the group discussion event and remember the participant next to me asking me the meaning of the topic given to us.

16. It still bugs me that the Mayo college guys won the 'cleanest room' award.

25 Naan-known facts as revealed on Facebook

2009-02-05T13:03:00.006+05:30

Since I've said it on facebook and not everyone is on it (thankfully!):

1. Jessie : means 'God is Gracious' & 'wealthy' in Hebrew, 'my present' in Gaelic, and Ruth: friend. So I guess my name means 'Wealthy friend' or 'God is Gracious, friend' :D

2. I love eating chocolate pudding and playing scrabble at the same time.

3. I love music. It makes me want to move. It plays in my head when I'm not thinking and sometimes makes me smile to myself.

4. I went to 3 chocolate factories in Australia in 10 days. Yeah, I like chocolate.

5. I've had a minor celebrity (steve crombie) leave a comment on my blog.

http://freedomunlimitedjessie.blogspot.com/2007/04/reliving-80s.html

6. I have a strong distate for a love that makes sense. It seems like an entity instead of a life-giving force.

7. I had 2 Australian rat-nephews. Winston and Chester. Now I only have Chester. Thank you Ali for making me their aunt!

8. I wanted to be a dolphin trainer when I was 10. Now I'm training the next smartest species after dolphins.

9. I collect miniature tea-sets (I have 5 but am always hunting for more). I've collected all sorts of stuff (earrings, tazoes!) but this is going to be be just as serious (by that I mean at least a 100).

10. In school, I desperately wanted to be on the basketball team but only managed chess trophies.

11. I started writing when my grandmother's sister gave me a thoughts book. I was 8 and I wrote about wanting to go to America, Canada, and London. In a year, I did exactly that, in that order.

12. I had an English grandmother. My grandfather remarried but I don't have any half English aunts/uncles. So if you studied with me in college and thought I was adopted well now you know!

13. I have met my favourite writer, Joanne Harris. She's somewhere in my albums.

14. I broke my leg a day before my 19th birthday and wrote a psychology exam on my birthday and got more marks in all the papers written after 'the fall' so I think there's some truth to the whole 'break a leg' saying.

15. On September 11, while news of the WTC was just reaching India, the entire state of AP was in a state of darkness. Obviously, I was on the phone. I called the principal of my school and asked her politely if she would give us a holiday since we couldn't study in such darkness. She said, 'no.' I said, 'well it was worth a shot.' The next day, she came to my class and wished me all the best personally. Some of you were there and we were writing an English language paper!

16. I love stone houses. Not sure if I could live in them but they look really nice on the outside.

17. I always leave out one thing when I pack my bag for a trip to anywhere.

18. I wrote a 3 page resume to get my first job.

19. I want my 4 nephews to never grow older than they are right now. They are 2 months, 2, 9, and 13.

20. I studied journalism because I thought I could write. Now, I never want to have to write for money.

21. I nearly drowned in a river in Kerala with a tube. Thanks for saving me Anil Ach'n.

22. When I was 8 and my sister had just turned 18, I went up to a random person and asked him to marry her so that she could live in his house instead of mine. I'm sorry, Anila Chechi :)

23. I loved making trips up the old church tower. The forbidden fun in a church and the sheer age of the building made me want to climb up as often as possible.

24. I started a school for a day for the watchman's kids. I sold Rasna and handmade cards sitting on a wall and bought a blackboard and stationery and the kids spent 5 whole minutes listening to me.

25. I ran a 'Make Jessie Fat' campaign in the first term of college. It was pretty simple. You had to take me to the kiosk/food court and buy me something in order to make me fat(ter). It sort of worked initially and I put on 3 kgs. After that my classmates gave up.

I now tag thee (in alphabetical order): Adarsh, Emmanuel, Eunice, Kalpana, and Priya.

Jesus is Red

2009-02-01T19:27:00.004+05:30

I have the newfound joy of teaching the littlest kids who attend Sunday school at the church I go to. They range between 5 and 7 and make sure they all state their ages everytime we have to split them up for classes!

At one of my recent classes, we were talking about Jesus and how he went to the temple of Jerusalem at the age of 12 with his parents. Somehow, we deviated from the original story (as we pretty much always do) and talked about Jesus' looks.

'Jesus has long hair,' said one of them. In my head, I was like, 'Oh no!! Now they are all going to think of every picture they've ever seen and come up with all sorts of descriptions. Please God, don't make me explain how Jesus looks different in most pictures!!!'

'Jesus is white in colour,' said the one and only American kid. Someone else shouted, 'No. He's got brown skin colour!' This was getting out of control! I was wishing we could all just be born to say politically correct things all the time. Well, I decided I should let everyone know that it doesn't matter what colour Jesus was. That's not the important thing after all... and can we please get back to the original story?

Before I could give voice to those thoughts, someone screamed, 'Jesus is red! I saw him and there was so much blood and Jesus looked red.' I was just about to say, 'colour doesn't matter' and I just about stopped myself in time. Now there's a picture to keep. A red Jesus. Whatever else we may not agree about Jesus, the fact is He was crucified and at least probably some pictures had gotten that right. Of course, if you are Christian, this is the turning point, the cross is your doorway to Christian faith. This seemed the right time to say that. 'That's right,' I finally said. 'Jesus died for us and his blood is the same colour as all our bloods.'

I said it. I said bloods. But I don't care. They got the point. He was just like us. I hope they grow up to know for themselves what the value of His life and death was and maybe even.. the value of His blood. The red Jesus is for each one of them. I hope they learn that some day!

Suppose we hear an unknown man spoken of by many men. Suppose we were puzzled to hear that some men said he was too tall and some too short; some objected to his fatness, some lamented his leanness; some thought him too dark, and some too fair. One explanation... would be that he might be an odd shape. But there is another explanation. He might be the right shape.... Perhaps (in short) this extraordinary thing is really the ordinary thing; at least the normal thing, the centre.

G.K Chesterton

My Most Unoriginal Post

2008-12-28T17:30:00.006+05:30

Yes this is going to be one of those the-year-that-was type posts so if you continue reading, I'm assuming you are someone who reads my blog because you actually care about what I have to say about... myself :)

If I had just a few words to describe 2008, they would be: travel, nephews, church, promotion (yay!), friends, facebook! A few others that could go into the list: bombs, recession, faith, space, train accidents, persecution.

This was a good year for me. I managed to get out of Hyderabad atleast once a month except in December which is great since I'm exhausted! I saw the temples of Khajuraho, a tiger in the wild at the Pench National Park, the southernmost tip of Continental Asia in Singapore, Auroville (near Pondicherry) and the Taj Mahal (finally!!!). Also I think it's a good thing that this year I wasn't offered any crayons on any of the several flights that I traveled on! Maybe if I got off this continent...

In February, I spent some time with my nephew Isaac and managed another quick visit on my way back from Pondicherry. My nephew Rohan came over and spent the month of June with me. He turned my life upside down and I'm so grateful for it. He made me realize I can bake and should get excited about a church that has drums! He also made me realize that my life and people in my life are more important than my job. I visited Ajay's boarding school in Ooty in October and watched him act (with secret pride) in his class play! My fourth nephew, Yohan, was born and I'm waiting to see him soon (Jan 13th to be precise!) :)

I started going to Pearl City in June with Rohan and continued going after he left. In many ways, my initial doubts and fears were put to ease and I finally feel like I can find God in a congregational setting once more. The 'life group' that I attend has probably had the most impact since I was able to find a group that I can do Bible study with (apart from the movie/game nights and baking-day variety of activities!) Also, hanging out at a certain 'chai bandi' has resulted in special conversations over cups of tea with an equally special group of friends.

Yeah, I got promoted in December. It was a neat surprise. Am now supposed to spend time figuring out what my career ought to look like. Right now it looks like a lot of work. Am spending time reading books like 'project management,' 'business communication' and 'managing people.' It's amazing how working for three years has not increased the clarity I thought I'd have to make any decent career decisions. Maybe a career is something you grow into and the decisions are just milestones you cross while you are looking out for speed bumps or exits! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for now...

Friends. What can I say? I'm still in touch with the people I consider close and am happy to have met more people over the course of the year.

Facebook should've been avoided even this year. Haha no, I'm kidding. I remember being asked to join facebook umpteen number of times since last year but I resisted. Till one day in August, I decided to join facebook to appease a cousin and allow her to create a family group. It was probably a good thing since that's how I found out that a few of my cousins are going to get married!! Facebook and then over the phone! Most people put it down to my I-rule-technology-since-I-work-at-Google attitude but that's really not the reason I stayed away. I live online as it is, considering my job, and I didn't need another distraction apart from the other ones that exist. Still, I'm glad I gave in. I got back in touch with so many friends (some I'd lost touch with nearly 10 years ago!) but I also got distracted!! Several engaging conversations kept me fairly busy and still do at times. Also a weird phenomenon of thinking thoughts as status messages came about soon enough. You think a thought and then you wonder whether it's clever enough to go on Facebook! It's lame really and is probably one of the reasons I should've stayed away for longer :P

Ok I'm going to run through the awful stuff because I don't think it's worth spending a lot of time on.

Bombs are part of the Indian fabric now more than before. I've been evacuated thrice from buildings in a year and it's annoying really! Of course one of the evacuations happened when a bomb did explode fairly close to where I was so it wasn't annoying.. it was really scary.

The recession actually hasn't affected my life drastically yet though maybe it has in ways I'll never know. I hope it passes and gets better before getting worse.

My faith was at it's lowest at the beginning of the year. Nearly dead to be honest. It's not so bad now though it keeps wavering. I need faith but I also need my space. It probably sounds weird but I felt like my faith was encroaching on 'my turf' and not allowing me to express what I truly believe to be true. I've now found a lot of room within my faith. I can reconcile several conflicting ideas and thoughts and not get frazzled like I did in the past. It's made me a lot less cynical and a lot more patient and loving.

Coming to space... I'm probably more realistic in my demands of space. At work as well as at home and in my relationships. Previously, I preferred ample amount of space with little or no explanations for my actions or behaviour. I'm fairly stubborn and prefer things to be and done a certain way and still probably have a long way to go but I realize now that my need for space kept ever-increasing and pushing other important things out of my life. People and things that did matter to me. I'm still careful with the way I spend time but a lot less rigid about how and I think it's done me a lot of good.

I lost two friends in a train accident. There was a fire in their coach and they didn't survive. I'd known them both for at least two years. It was sudden and seemed bizarre initially. I still wish it hadn't happened.

Persecution broke out late this year against Christians in various states of my country. It was scary since my brother and his family live and work in a Christian mission hospital in Madhya Pradesh. The government condemned these acts and for now, that is enough. To atleast have the ruling government condemn this is enough. The states that have been affected require healing and rebuilding and I hope 2009 will allow for these to happen. Bihar is also recovering from the floods that rendered its people homeless.

I really hope that 2009 will be different in that a lot of what was damaged and broken will be restored. It probably is naive to hope for such things. Still, in my experience, the most unlikely things just happen when you least expect them to. Let's see, shall we?

How to make Chocolate

2008-12-05T10:23:00.004+05:30

Here's my easy recipe for making chocolate:

1. Melt it

2. Mould it

3. Unmould it

4. Wrap it

An awesome one-of-a-kind Sunday

2008-11-30T23:21:00.004+05:30

You can't plan days like these. They just happen when you least expect them to and probably most need them to. They are filled with all good things that you enjoy doing and with people you like :)

It started with going to Church. Watched a South African ballet troupe called C'mist. They were quite good and it was my first experience of ballet. Then we went to our regular chai bandi hang out for some discussions punctuated with cups of chai. We followed that up by pizza for lunch at pizza hut. After a pretty short break, we met up again to watch 'Body of Lies.' Then I went off to watch Pundit Jasraj sing at the Nizam college grounds. He was mind blowing! I've never listened to live Hindustani classical music before. I felt like breathing extra hard for his sake. I don't think I've ever heard someone stretch a note for that long. You had to be there! I also had some 'Rampyari' pan :) I've not had pan in ages!! I'd forgotten what it tastes like to be honest. It was nice and familiar in some ways and it made me feel quite Hyderabadi.

So it was a day of firsts which was made better with some fantastic company!

Maybe I finally feel like ranting on my blog

2008-11-18T22:49:00.005+05:30

This is something that happened a few years ago but I still remember it because of the way it made me feel. It was after I just got my job and was pretty excited about it. During college, that's all I wanted. A job. I'd never done anything I can call 'work' before that and I wanted to get my hands dirty. Thankfully I managed it after denying myself all the chances of getting a Master's degree. I was honestly quite relieved when I was finally hired.

I remember talking to an acquaintance who happened to visit with some relatives and told her about 'my job!' She was a couple of years older and had gotten married after college and was going to have a baby soon after. I was thrilled for her!! A little later though, I got the feeling that somehow my getting a job was not 'as cool' as having a baby. Now I've always loved kids and want to have a child some day. Way before I even wanted a job for sure. Honestly, her words hurt. Not that she disapproved or anything but her tone implied some fulfilling of a higher purpose as a woman.

Now you can apply whatever label you think is convenient and comes to your mind to me, but I honestly don't feel that a woman's only calling is having babies. It's a privilege without a doubt but it's not the only one. It certainly doesn't define a woman. A woman is definitely more than a birthing machine. She is more than the CEO of a company or a maid in your home. She may work and it needn't define her. She may have a child whenever she chooses and it needn't define her.

Life as a woman is hard enough. It's not easy being judged by another woman for the choices we make. A working woman's life is as hard as a housewife's. They put in the same hours and carry the same responsiblities in possibly vastly different environments. Can we not uphold each other's choices and support each other through them?

I can't say I know enough of what it takes to be a housewife. Or even a wife at this point. But I do know something of a life as a working woman. I've worked for three years alongside other women. I've heard of women who've never worked before their thirties because of their disapproving in-laws (who continue to disapprove). There are women who finish the day's work and have to go home and cook and look after children. Not just one child... children. I hear their stories and without being able to entirely understand them, I try and sympathise. I admire them for all the courage they bring to work and the enthusiasm and creativity they have. I get to see these qualities that maybe their in-laws and husband don't really see or appreciate. I see them having a bad day at work and probably going back to a worse day at home.

I've seen women who are forced to decide between their careers and starting a family. It's not an easy decision. It takes years to get to a certain position and a sudden pregnancy can change that. I uphold them as they choose to have babies in spite of their successful or lucrative careers. Most employers are sensitive to their female employees but it's still a hard decision to have a child or adopt one even. A career seems so much more fulfilling at times. Most women usually choose to have their child anyway.

So this post is for all the working women who are unmarried, married, married with kids, divorced, or divorced with kids. Actually, I think most women are usually working on something or the other and not necessarily in the workplace but possibly even at home.This is for them if they feel defined by their choices that seem to lead away from a fulfilling life at home with family. I believe there is more to a woman than her family, her marriage, her in-laws, her educational qualifications, her position in the workplace, her children, her beauty. I believe the act of trying to balance all these things makes her precious and lovable. I hope you read this and manage to give the women in your life the opportunity to lift their heads above the waters and breathe in as much air as is needed for them to stay afloat.

Ladies, stay beautiful!

Bound By Love

2008-11-17T11:33:00.005+05:30

You and I,

Father and daughter,

so unlike each other.

What I am trying to say is..

Your awesome nature against my awful one,

Your humility against my pride,

Your strength against my frailty,

Your power against my weakness,

causes a chasm so vast that I wonder..

If you are my Father,

am I really Your child?

Then I look to the Cross

And all my doubts flee

I see in You a deep love for me.

And Father

It's more than I'd hoped for,

More than I could've striven for,

More real to me.

You and I,

Father and daughter,

bound in a warm embrace to one another.

Written on 6th October, 2003. Found this in an old prayer diary and felt like posting!

Bangalore next week

2008-11-06T22:55:00.002+05:30

After a good 3 weeks of chilling out in hyderabad I'm off again to Bangalore on work. It should be good fun as it involves training an old friend from college. Plus getting out of Hyderabad at least once a month has been good for me in general. Looking forward to the trip...

Have been thinking of writing something and I have some ideas forming but words seem fairly elusive at the moment. Might write more once I find time to think.. pretty rare these days!

Bass guitarists I know...

2008-10-27T11:44:00.003+05:30

think they have ADD. As a psychology student who scored 86% in abnormal psychology, I disagree.

Ooty, Bangalore, and a Baby

2008-10-22T21:04:00.003+05:30

The past few weeks have been crazy hectic (and I'm supposed to be on vacation!). In one week I managed a Hyd-Bangalore-Coimbatore-Ooty-Tiruppur-Bangalore trip. Of course, trains were derailed (not mine, my brother's but still.. it's inevitable!), pan cards were lost (mine, not my brother's :(, mountains were climbed(ok just the driveway of my nephews school but I can't tell the difference), late nights became routine.

My nephew is now 13. He was brilliant in his school play. I also watched him play football and my heart swelled with pride every time he stopped the ball going through the goal (he was the goal keeper). He's taller than me and thinks I walk slowly (which is true -- he ran a 5 km cross country race twice!). I talked with the girls of his class and who told me they thought he was 'normalish' in comparison with everyone else, of course. :) They're definitely curious about him and he's definitely not letting any of them get close.

I had a fantastic time meeting Varsha who took me to all the happening spots in ooty and got me enough tea and hot chocolate to keep me happy.

Bangalore was a different experience too. Working in the office was great. Meeting with friends, some after years always manages to make me feel nostalgic about college.

Am back in Hyderabad with a cold but had a fun Sunday. On Monday morning, I woke up to the best news I've had in a long time. A new nephew...

I can't tell you what it feels like. It's like getting to be a parent without having to do any work! It's getting to spoil the kids and spend vacations and do fun stuff. It's having them think you might actually be considered cool. And even though this is my 4th nephew... it's still exciting! Am waiting to see him but it might be a while before that happens. Let's see...

Biggest Weakness

2008-10-01T13:32:00.003+05:30

I'm in Gurgaon interviewing candidates from colleges. While that is fun and usually proves to be fairly entertaining, crazy things also happen. Yesterday was a crazy day in the office. It goes down to my biggest weakness really... switching bags/wallets/purses as often as possible. The things that get lost in transition have led to several disasters but I continue to switch anyway.

Case in point: Yesterday I took a colleague out for lunch to the Subway downstairs. We wrapped up lunch and ended up talking in the breakout area. Highly distracted I left my wallet on the table. With like my credit and debit card, around three thousand bucks in cash, and all other memorabilia that I actually value more. (Side note to people who were with me in Lucknow for Quanta nearly 8 years ago when I lost my empty wallet, still upset about it!) Of course, at work I don't really need a wallet so I would've possibly gone back to Hyd without it. Thankfully, I needed to take a couple of people out for coffee to Barista and that's when I registered the fact that I actually hadn't seen my wallet for nearly 4 hours. Of course, the security people in office had it. They made me list out all the contents.. which seemed a bit ridiculous by the end of the exercise.

That's when I realized.. no credit card or debit card. I freaked out! Rushed to call citibank.. made the guy hold because I didn't even remember any of the card numbers or my account number. Informed my manager immediately while trying to retrieve this information off my laptop. Thankfully she asked a few questions. Did you take them when going out shopping yesterday? I told the citibank guy that I'd call him back! Of course, I'd taken it in my other wallet I use only when I have flight tickets to hold on to. I'd taken that to Dilli Haat and gotten myself a nice silk stole :) Of course, everyone was laughing at me. The security guy was giving me a nice lecture about my irresponsibility which as emotional as it was chastising. Lesson learned I told him. I apologized as much as possible and took everyone for coffee :)

This was one of the milder incidents caused by switching bags. Last time I left my hall ticket behind in the wrong bag and ended up with a broken leg and crutches a day before my birthday and psychology exam. Funnily, the whole 'break a leg' thing works. I actually got more in all the papers I wrote 'after' I broke my leg so totally worth it in a weird way.

Leaving for Hyd today and will have to pack stuff for my next trip. I take different bags for air and road/train travel. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Gurgaon, Bangalore, Ooty

2008-09-22T21:01:00.002+05:30

I haven't been anywhere for a month so life's feeling a bit routine. However, starting next week for another two weeks, it will be pretty different. I'm heading out next week to do a bit of interviewing in Delhi and then staying back for a couple of days to handle some training-related work. I'm planning to head out to Bangalore that weekend and then go on to ooty to watch my nephew in his school play. I went two years ago to the Hebron School and am looking forward to what should be a fun drama week again..

Yeh Tumhari Meri Baatein

2008-09-14T22:08:00.002+05:30

Probably one of the lesser known least popular tracks from the movie 'Rock On.' I quite like it.

Unacceptable. Unbearable.

2008-09-13T22:09:00.007+05:30

Another series of bomb blasts hit the Indian capital today. Another attempt at producing fear and insecurity.

We've been blowing up
We're the issue
It's our condition - Switchfoot

Crazy Long Distance Phone Calls

2008-09-11T23:24:00.002+05:30

"Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected." ~ Charles Lamb

I was on the phone with Avvi, my best friend from high school, a while ago. We haven't talked in two months but as always we were able to pick up where we left off. I absolutely love the way she screams my name as soon as I pick up the phone. Two seconds later we both end up in hysterical laughter. We can both have one conversation over a hundred times and if it was about something funny, laugh as if we'd heard it for the first time. Today, again, we laughed at how she once slapped this guy in a restaurant (one of my friends) because she thought he was looking down my shirt. He wasn't actually!

'Bloody dog!' she said suddenly. She couldn't hear me because of the poor quality of the vodafone network in my house. If you remember the Hutch puppy ad, you'll understand what she means. 'In real life, you've got to chase the dog.'

In school we got thrown out of class and sang our school song at absurd hours during sleepovers. We'd talk all through English class, go home and get on the phone, and then get online and chat on ICQ. She hung up on her boyfriends to talk to me.

We haven't lived in the same city for 6 years. Still, if I want to laugh out loud, I can call her. Actually, it might be a good idea to make a trip to Mumbai. Hmm... after ooty and chennai..

Pondy Weekend

2008-08-23T22:18:00.004+05:30

Pondy was exhausting fun. :) Like other tourists, we quickly realized that there isn't much to do in Pondy but go to cute french cafes. After arriving we manged to get dinner at La Terrasse where you can get French, Italian and Indian cuisines after a long wait. The next day we set off to Auroville and saw the Matri Mandir. After lunch at 'The Beach Cafe' we set off to Auro beach.
It was crowded with all sorts of people!! People's responses to waves are funny. I remember seeing pretty huge guy trying to jump on a wave!?

After getting back to Pondy we went to Rendezvous for a really nice dinner. They had some exciting desserts to offer and I had the peach pie. :) Of course we ran into people we'd seen at the beach.. fully clothed this time! In the morning we had to rush around trying to get last minute tourist knick-knacks but it was fun. Also, I managed to find the Hidesign factory outlet so that was thrilling. Now I have a Hidesign bag that I got in Pondicherry :)

Getting back to work immediately after getting off the train wasn't easy but had to be done. Hectic week with having to meet people from all over the world. Still, it's all been fun.

Leaving for Gurgaon on Monday and getting back on Tuesday!

Pondicherry Trip

2008-08-10T18:24:00.002+05:30

All bookings have been made. We're planning to stay at Ganga Guest House. I like the look of it. Seems to have a lot of soul considering it used to be a Tamil poet's home now taken over by a French couple. Should be an experience. I'm not sure how much beach bumming will happen considering this isn't the right season for a beach vacation. It might be pouring most of the time. Still.. I'd rather watch the rain in Pondicherry than outside my window. A change of scenery always does one good.

Like.No.Other

2008-08-08T15:26:00.002+05:30

I just saw this ad today. Again, the entire branding funda behind getting people to associate colour with the SONY Bravia brand is freeing creative boundaries. This is bringing in the fantastic into the everyday and into advertising. Phenomenal stuff!

Monsoon Thanksgiving

2008-08-07T19:44:00.004+05:30

The past couple of weeks have been fairly hectic. The weather was beginning to reflect the state of my life. Dry, heart rending with very little hope for the better. Thankfully, the new rains have brought new life back. I don't think I've welcomed this season as much as I do this year. I'm a home soul in many ways. I like some routine, some amount of predictability. Till now, my routine was upset. My formerly safe world is turning dangerous and going up in flames (quite literally). I've heard more sad than good news in the last one month. Career-wise, I'm still hoping I'm doing the right things.

But I'm thankful to today for being different. For being normal. For not bringing in any new shocks or unexpected stories of death and dying. For the unstoppable rains.

A Prayer For India

2008-07-27T23:39:00.002+05:30

The recent bomb blasts in Bangalore and Ahmedabad are truly disturbing. In spite of my cynicism, I actually picked up the newspaper and watched the news on tv. Of course, there's no way of knowing how many actually died or were injured apart from the fluctuating figures seen on different channels and newspapers. It honestly gets to me at times. That aside, clearly this country is in need of prayer. No amount of security can predict where such bombs will be placed. After Benazir Bhutto's death at least one thing is clear: if you are on a hit list, they are going to eventually get you.

I don't know why I felt such a strong reaction but I almost decided that I would stop going to the new church that I just started going to if they didn't pray about these blasts. I can't say this is a healthy attitude but sometimes I worry that the church in India is not doing enough. The bubble of fellowship and warm greetings and 'christian' gestures is not open to raw human pain. Thankfully, we did pray for the blasts and the unnecessary loss of life and peace. Great news is that it is finally drizzling in Hyderabad. Almost continuously since today afternoon. We really need rain.

Tonight, before I sleep, I'm saying another quick prayer for the families that unexpectedly lost loved ones and for the people who caused all of this and their reasons for doing so. I honestly don't know what else to do.

Pondicherry in August

2008-07-25T13:14:00.003+05:30

Thankfully August 15th is a Friday. I'm looking forward to some R&R in Pondy. I've been wanting to go to Pondy since forever so it'll be nice to spend some quiet time by some pretty beaches. Yay! :)

What are the Odds?

2008-07-21T18:49:00.002+05:30

“If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will." - Here

I'm not sure who in the world said that but I agree. The odds of a 'coincidence,' according to me? 50:50. You know how it is. You meet some random guy, you fall in love and next thing you know.. he's all over the place. Taking over the universe or something. (Note: Falling in love with a guy has prompted me to do several stupid things but not prompted this post!) I'm just tired of people who are hopeless romantics trying to convince you that the universe is conspiring the union of two souls. Not so. If the odds are even, then the universe is just as likely to not be conspiring whatever it is you think it might be conspiring at any given point in time. If you continue reading, I'm assuming you are totally getting what I'm saying so...

True Story: It's Valentine's Day a few years ago and I'm hanging out in a college friend's home with other single friends contemplating something unrelated to the fact that we are single on Valentine's day. (Actually, given the friends I had in college.. maybe this is not entirely true. anyway..) I remember someone flicking channels and landing on a fateful tennis match being played in Hyderabad with Sania Mirza doing her thing. In the 8-10 seconds while this information registered, the camera pans the crowd. Who do I see in the crowd? Childhood crush from school on TV!!!

I'm used to it now. Running into relatives/people from school/college/bangalore/australia and pretty much everyone that I run into without expecting to run into them.

Actually what about running into Amitabh Bachchan after taking a flight that I hadn't intended to be on? Or seeing a senior from college during my first and his last week in sydney? Or your favourite author landing up in sydney the 3 months that you decide to camp out there? It's everyday magic. The odds are fairly even!

Do You Remember?

2008-07-11T10:55:00.002+05:30

I was listening to 'Do You Remember?' by Jack Johnson on my ipod today and the line 'The craziest thing of all, over ten years have gone by' reminded me of someone from nearly 10 years ago. When you are 13, you don't really think about the next 10 years. I can remember what happened 10 years ago today. I have a weird memory for most trivial stuff. It wasn't trivial but it's probably not something that you would remember today. Who knows? We don't talk anymore and you are slowly becoming just a part of my fragmented teenage memory. You were so life-like back then. Now, I'm not sure if I'll ever see you again.

Wishes are Horses

2008-07-08T23:42:00.002+05:30

I saw the Taj Mahal finally. It was breathtaking. I forgot my camera!! I still can't get over it. Thankfully I had my phone but still.. I can't believe I forgot to take the camera after I remembered to pack it in Hyderabad. So normally, I always forget to pack one important thing. Didn't happen this time and I felt like I'd broken the curse but looks like I'm getting into a whole new level of the art of packing. Anyhow, it rained all day and the Taj was fantastic. We then went to the Agra fort after which we just went around pulling scams in Agra.

Our driver realized that we weren't the crazy tourists who actually buy stuff from the stores that he takes us to so he figured 'what the heck' let's take them to a place which will allow their eyeballs to pop out. Before we got off at the Governors home (now taken over by CIE), he warned us. 'Tell them you are from the UK madam.' 'Ok!?' I said not knowing what to expect. It was like walking into some kind of a carpet museum. They had exquisite stuff at inflated prices. Like really inflated prices. I was wondering how long before they'd realize that we weren't really UK tourists. Would my chappals give anything away (I figured I'd just wear chappals since it was raining and I had no sensible footwear). But we pulled it off. I had to lie and tell them that I was studying in the UK (I probably looked just out of school I figured. Plus if they asked where I worked that would just make we want to laugh out loud and then we might be escorted by security for lying about our nationality). Anyhow, it was a fun scam to pull for a while but it kinda got tiring after a while. It's not easy to pretend that you are actually interested in boxes of marble that cost more than my salary and are smaller than the size of a shoe box.

Then we went to the coolest cafe in Agra. 'Hotel Maya.' Seemingly small town cafe on the outside but with chic interiors inside it was surprisingly cool. I mean there's no cafe in hyd that has this much class. Honestly!

Also, I got an 80 GB IPod today. I'm thrilled to bits. I didn't think I'd ever own one for some reason but it's fantastic!!! Yay!!

First Week in Gurgaon

2008-07-04T13:39:00.004+05:30

The first week in Gurgaon has been good fun. Tiring but good fun. I've enjoyed training as well as post-training excursions to malls and markets around Gurgaon. Luckily, we are strategically placed near the galleria markets in Gurgaon where you can pretty much get anything under the sun.

From the Sarojini market in Delhi, I bought some pretty neat curtains for my room. I'm going for a purple grape theme at the moment. I'm visiting Agra finally!!!! Pretty kicked about that. Will spend tomorrow at Agra. Weekend plans include going to the Delhi Bible Fellowship on Sunday (see I can get to churches in any city apart from Hyd!) and then loafing in Delhi. More mall visits have been planned for next week as well. I'm going to get a massage when I get back to Hyderabad for sure. I know it shopping sounds like a lot of fun but it's really tiring. Especially after a whole day of training. Plus I haven't shopped in ages (really!)

We played Taboo last night. It was sooo much fun. We plan on playing some more tonight and hopefully every night!! Unfortunately, there's no morning where I can wake up late :(

Last week was crazy fun. After celebrating Ajay's 13th, I went on an offsite from work. Tried to do a bit of rock climbing and needed half of the next day off for a massage. It was that painful the next day! We also got insanely wet in a freak thunder shower that came out of nowhere. Took the nephews out whenever they weren't too busy having other fun. They got a dalmatian on Friday but I just slept through the excitement because I was sooo exhausted. Took them to church and said good byes to everybody. Did a lot of last minute packing and left fairly soon on Sunday after saying good bye :(

Alter at the Altar

2008-06-22T22:21:00.003+05:30

Our journey,
From fear to faith,
From hurt to hope,
is a weary way.

We long to get away,
Be free to go astray,
But He finds us,
carries us through the pain,
to lie down in green pastures.

He purges bitterness and resentment
by His presence,
He lovingly leads us beside quiet waters.
He is the path
to hope, to love,
to an altar everyday.
That we may be more like Him in every way.

Inspired by Hannah Hurnard's 'Hinds' Feet on High Places' and written in July 2004.

I was suddenly reminded of this poem I'd written nearly 4 years ago during the church service today. The sermon was about the spirit-filled life. I was reminded of how short I'd fallen and how inadequate my life was compared to the 'spirit-filled' life. For a few years now, there's been a part of me that has just not been willing to surrender. In Godly surrender lies freedom. I've always known this but today somehow I felt like I really got to know it. I've always known that it isn't about the offertory or tithes that I give but about the life and time that I invest in God's Kingdom that is more important.

'Freedom' -- that word has been some sort of a mantra that I've been living by. I don't think it's wrong to want it. I think we were all created to want it. As with other matters in the Godly Kingdom, most concepts jar against 'real world' concepts. Surrender and Freedom go together. Suffering and Joy go together. It's an upside down Kingdom really. The only problem is, I want the freedom without any sort of surrendering of my own rights.

Clearly, I need to lay myself on the altar. If you are still reading this, do pray for me!

Lego Storytelling

2008-06-16T22:23:00.002+05:30

Most ideas strike me at midnight when I'm usually not in a position to do anything with them. It's a good thing I have Rohan who stays awake after I've slept. Around 12-1 am I asked him. 'Can you make me a house using the lego blocks that we have?' 'Yes, ok. Why?' he said. 'I want to use it to tell a story in my office,' I said. 'Ok, I'll do it,' he said. 'Ok now go to sleep,' I said knowing that it would be while till he dropped off probably dreaming of being a ninja or a superhero till then.

LEGO. Really, I cannot believe I didn't think of it till now. Also, a house serves as a perfect analogy for a few points that I try to make while training. I wanted to take a risk and try something different too. I figured, at worst, people would treat me with a mock amusement and leave it at that. Somehow, it turned out ok. I told them that I'd asked my nephew to make it and the instructions I'd given him. Obviously, emphasizing that if you want to create something out of a set of blocks for someone else, instructions are key. Thankfully, given the topic, I could stretch the analogy further. Tomorrow I'll be able to tell whether it had any impact or not. I might try it out again once more to see if it really works for the visual learners in the room. Let's see :)

Banana Cake

2008-06-14T23:40:00.003+05:30

Yes. I did it again. I baked a banana cake today since Rohan claimed to like it. No casualties to report. I honestly thought my cakes could fall into a 'Lethal' category but like I said, everyone's alive. Also, baking is worthwhile when you have an 8-year-old nephew who compliments your efforts as honestly as possible :)

Next week.. I'm thinking of doing something with apples and mangoes. Let's see.. (I cannot believe that I'm really getting into this whole baking thing!!)

Cake!

2008-06-08T22:03:00.001+05:30

I want to work on some more complicated baking... and it would be interactive!
Lisa Loeb

I finally baked a cake!!! I haven't done it in like 5 years so it really felt like an achievement. I baked it for my nephew. (Proving my own theory true that I can cook/bake if I had someone to feed as opposed to having a cook who cooks for me!) It was almost spiritual. The snow white flour and melted butter; it's really the closest thing to alchemy in the mordern world. It was always going to be a chocolate cake. I'd been saving a whole slab of cooking chocolate for a day like today. Ok so I'm making it sound more romantic than it should but I want to bake more. All I need is a music system and a laptop in my kitchen and I'll be able to survive. For once, I'm not feeling too intimidated by the kitchen though I still don't know where anything is. It's true. I've never made a cup of tea in my own kitchen. Technically, it's not my kitchen even. It's my cooks kitchen. She knows where everything is and she rules it. I think a kitchen is a one-woman kind of place. Maybe I'll cook if I have my own place.. and my own kitchen. Just maybe...

Trivial Pursuit

2008-06-03T20:14:00.002+05:30

I remember when I went shopping with A for board games. We both looked at several games in several stores before I finally decided I should buy 'Trivial Pursuit' for when Rohan(my 8 yr old nephew) and I would want to play some board game. Now I should have figured that the box said 10-adult and probably dropped the idea but I figured... I should let him play games like these so that he can start thinking like a 10 year old. I had good intentions. Somehow, when we were playing yesterday.. I felt like I should have picked up something else. Something like 'Pictionary' or something. Trivial Pursuit is a test of how much trivia you know from around the world. Rohan and I -- hardly know any so in a way it's fun. We're both losing but I keep telling in a very aunty sort of voice... 'aren't we learning so much?' He usually just picks up the die and tries to get the number he thinks he wants. Well.. anyway so it's his turn to ask a question and he usually ends up reading the question to himself but finally I got the question: What was the popular profession of Russian girls in the 1980s or something along those lines? Hmm.. Russia.. I could only think of one thing.. so I said.. mail order brides hoping it sounded innocent enough for him not to ask me what exactly I meant. He just turned the card over and said, 'No. The answer is prost- it - u- shun.' He takes a while when it gets to the 'big words.' Hmm... I had to act fast. If I hesitated he would know I was trying to hide something. I just grabbed the card out of his hand and put it away and said, 'What a silly question! Your turn.'

He played and then came another question, 'Why did X and Y name their children Bedroom, Garage, and Kitchen?' Hmmm... I decided to try and keep it simple. 'Because they were born there?!?' The answer which I didn't let him read but read myself was 'because they were conceived there.' This time I didn't get lucky. Rohan said, what does that mean? I said, 'it means the babies were born in the garage, bedroom, and kitchen.' I lied. I know. Then he said, 'oh they must have been poor.'

:)

The Next Gurgaon Trip

2008-05-31T21:11:00.003+05:30

Yeah I didn't think I'd be traveling any time soon. Not after buying a smartphone in Singapore. Also, I have my 8 year old nephew who is spending a month of his summer holidays with me so definitely not traveling when he's around. This is an official trip so I'm mostly going to train. I'll be in Gurgaon for 2 weeks. This time, I'm going to get to Agra somehow. I have one weekend I can use properly for traveling and Agra is the closest city so it all makes sense. It's a bit embarrassing being 23 and not having seen the Taj or been to Goa (having lived in India my whole life!). Anyhow, I guess it's normal to live in a country and not really spend much time trying to travel for travel's sake.

Currently, my days are spent watching veggie tales, playing uno (which is Rohan's current favourite), chess, trivial pursuit, and reading bedtime stories to him. We watched Prince Caspian last night and ate at McDonald's today. It's been pretty fun. Other plans include visiting the Planetarium, Charminar and Salar Jung Museum, some water theme park, and Snow World. Next week I'm going to start perfecting the art of making cake. I know! My preparations are lethal and could kill my 8 year old nephew. The only reason for doing it is if it doesn't actually come out too bad, I might go down as being his favourite aunt ;)

About Prince Caspian... I really liked the movie. Rohan was a bit scared at one point and tried covering his eyes with the huge popcorn bucket. It made me want to reread the Chronicles of Narnia again. They are really lovable. I think it's been nearly 5 years since I've read them and as with most books, I don't actually remember much after so long. I bought a cheap copy of the book in Australia but left it in the apartment and somehow it's one of those elusive copies that never made it to India. It was gripping from the beginning and moved at a good pace (I know this because I had to keep reminding myself to eat some popcorn). I'm definitely going to watch it again.

About that Social Isolation I was talking about

2008-05-20T21:18:00.003+05:30

So I just joined LinkedIn. It all started when a colleague I worked with nearly a year ago in Australia wanted to reconnect. So I decided to go about creating a LinkedIn profile. Yeah so much for giving in to the 'social isolation' scheme of things. Still, I thought. LinkedIn is different. It's not the same as all the other random social networking sites out there. Let's just say it's not about 'making fraindships'.

But now. I've received nearly the 100th email about joining facebook. Most of my orkut 'friends' have shared their facebook profile. It's beginning to wear me down a bit, I'll admit. Still, I'm going to stay out and not give in to peer pressure any time soon. Later, it better be worth the wait. Also, here's a funny video about facebook. I sent it to one of my Australian friends who in my opinion was addicted and she thought it was soo funny she put it up on her 'facebook wall.' There are loads of these and some of them aren't clever or nice. This one isn't bad. Have a watch...

My Blueberry Nights

2008-05-16T23:07:00.002+05:30

I've spent the last two nights watching movies online. Yes, it's a pain but I can't think of how else I will get to watch some of the movies that I want to. I watched 'Blueberry Nights' and 'Once.' I really liked both the movies.

The fantastic news is, my nephew is coming to stay for a month. He's 8 and he's never stayed away from home. I've planned all sorts of things to do while he's here. Movies, games, 'fort climbing', boating, and playing in Snow world are on the list as of now. Let's see how much we get done with only free weekends! He'll be joined by his brother and cousin later. Can't wait! :)

Can't Pimp My Profile

2008-05-14T21:35:00.003+05:30

In case that sounded obscene, pimp my profile is just a cool way of saying 'I just updated my myspace profile.' I'm not on myspace (or on facebook either! I doubt if I'll die of social isolation and like everyone else I'm on Orkut and plan to stay there) so I'm just talking about my good old blog profile. Yeah I just changed my picture. The koala pic was taken last year on my birthday so I decided to update it since it's a year old. The nice looking drink that looks bigger than me in the latest picture is the 'Singapura Sling.' I sipped that (if you know me well you know that I don't really drink anything. I just take as many sips as it takes to finish a glass of anything!) as I sat by the Singapore River at Clarke Quay watching people go crazy over the G-Max Reverse Bungy with one of my dearest friends. There are only a few better ways to turn 23.

Crazy Week

2008-05-11T10:51:00.002+05:30

I arrived at 12 am last Sunday. It took forever to get my bags but I was glad to get home and unpack. I jumped right into a new batch and started training on Monday. Quite an experience! I'm still fairly exhausted though. Went for a massage that was quite relaxing. Watched a play called 'Fools.' It was ok. Updated my phone with more music. Went to the library and to Lee's. Overall, turned out to be quite a tiring day. Today I have no plans and don't want to move a muscle. Have got tickets to watch the IPL match on the 25th (Bangalore VS. Hyd). As you can tell, not really planning for too much excitement!

Shopping, Shopping & some more Shopping

2008-05-06T22:29:00.002+05:30

I spent my last two days shopping mostly. I also went to church on Sunday. God has a real good sense of humour. I go all the way to singapore and end up worshiping in a church called 'Saint George's.' In Hyderabad, I've stopped going to my church which shares the name. I quite liked this church though. It mostly had young couples and children although it was anglican.

I went to little India on saturday and spent time in Mustafa. Then I went to the Tanglin Mall bazaar to see if I could spot any bargains. I couldn't :( I got some nice stuff in the Tanglin mall though. I managed to get some nice miniature tea sets to add to my collection. (yes, apart from bookmarks and other random stuff, I also collect miniature tea sets and have 4 from 3 different countries so far.)

After going home, I stayed up and watched Spanglish which was really good. On sunday, we had a nice big lunch at 'Yum Cha'. I actually ate prawns and liked them!!!! I don't touch sea food at all! I hate fish and can't smell it even!!! (yeah I know that makes singapore a weird choice for a holiday!) After I admitted liking the prawns, there was a round of applause from everyone. Really... I still can't believe I ate my first prawn at 23!! I'm still a firm chicken lover though!!

After that, I managed to do something quite exciting. I went shopping for my cellphone. I realize my Nokia 2100 is going to die sometime soon (it's going to be 5 years old this nov.) Before tragedy strikes, it makes sense to get a new handset. So I decided to take the plunge and get a new phone. I had a lot of help while choosing one and finally picked the 'Sony Ericsson w960i.' It's pretty cool and allows me to use the wifi connection at home to access my email. Has a pretty good backlight (like my faithful 2100!!). I wanted music and a camera and it has 8 gb space so it really was worth the money I blew.

After the phone, I had to go home to pack to get to the airport on time for my flight. On the way to the airport, I had to make one last stop. I needed to go to 'Chocz' at Parkway Parade to get a special kind of hot chocolate cubes that have chili pepper. In order for me to do that, we had to hire a taxi that would drive around the mall while I got the chocolate ! It was crazy but it was worth it. I' m saying this without even making hot chocolate with the cubes. Will do that this weekend.

I reached the airport and realized that my 'Air India' flight was being operated by 'Singapore Airlines.' I didn't even know that was possible! Not that I'm complaining. The funny thing was... I ended up being on the same flight as some 100 other colleagues who were returning from the us after a conference. Quite a surprise to be surrounded by soooo many familiar faces in Changi airport! I mean... how often do you travel on a flight knowing 2/3 of the people on board! It was quite a nice reality check though. Helped me wake up for work the next day :P